1.01 Northern Exposure Quotes ------ Let's face it, Jewish doctors are not exactly an endangered species. (Joel to a fellow airline passenger) Because, Joel, once you have experienced Alaska, and I am talking about the REAL Alaska, everything else pales in comparison. (Peter Gilliam to Joel, on why the French Riviera was disappointing) So what we've decided to do is set you up in Cicely, situated in an area that we Alaskans refer to as The Alaskan Riviera. (Peter Gilliam to Joel) Now we've got an outstanding little town here, Joel, ready to step up in the world. We've got natural resources; we've got land; we've got wildlife, just waiting to be fondled. (Maurice to Joel) This is Cicely. She and Roslyn founded the town 97 years ago. Rumor and innuendo notwithstanding, they were just good friends. (Maurice to Joel) This is my OFFICE?!? A few curtains, a couple of heads on the wall; you're in business! (Joel and Maurice) I don't not like it...I hate it, and I demand to leave! ... Well that is because you are not the one who is supposed to spend the next 4 years of his life in this Godforsaken hole in the wall, pigsty with a bunch of dirty, psychotic rednecks! (Joel to Gilliam on the phone in the Brick) I will under no condition, NO condition, spend the best years of my life in the worse place on Earth! (Joel is trapped in Cicely) You haven't heard back from your attorney, huh? Well, no - but as I'm sure you know, these are very, very complex legal issues here, and they take quite some time to sort out. Besides, she's got finals. (Holling and Joel) Look, you know, if you'd rather spend the night here than at my place, don't let me get in your way! Look, I don't want to tell you how to run your business, but this petulant aggressive thing is a real turnoff... I am not a hooker...jerk. I'm your landlord. (Maggie meets Joel) I fly. What? You're a stewardess? I mean, I'm sorry - flight attendant. Which airline? I own my OWN plane. I'm a pilot. (Maggie and Joel) Just the water, then? Yeah...no, give me a bagel and cream cheese. What's a bagel? (Ruth Anne and Joel) You signed a contract, Joel. But much more important than that, you gave your word. And I intend to hold you to that word within the bounds of the law. If necessary, without the bounds of the law. (Maurice to Joel) I didn't kill him! We were on a glacier. I take a hike; he decides to take a nap. And froze. (Maggie to Joel, on the fate of her boyfriend) Quit it! This is my office. People get sick, people get shot, people get hurt. I haven't got a problem with that - believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way. (Joel to two arguing patients) And if I leave? 10,000 dollars or 18 years in jail...AND 18 years in jail?!? (Joel receives the bad news from Elaine) Moose burger or caribou dog? (Ed to Joel, at the festival) What time is it in New York City right now? Around midnight. So I guess maybe you and your fiance'd be coming back from a movie about now, maybe stop by a little cafe for a cup of espresso, pick up the Sunday edition of the _New York Times_, and some fresh, hot bagels for breakfast tomorrow? Sounds about right. How do you know about bagels? Oh, I saw _Manhattan_. I think Woody's a genius. (Ed and Joel) Gravity. It keeps you rooted to the ground. In space, there's not any gravity. You just kind of leave your feet and go floating around. Is that what being in love is like, Holling? (Maurice to Holling, as they tentatively make up)

1.02 Brains, Know-How and Native Intelligence Quotes ------ WHEN lilacs last in the door-yard bloom'd, And the great star early droop'd in the western sky in the night, I mourn'd--and yet shall mourn with ever-returning spring. O ever-returning spring! trinity sure to me you bring; Lilac blooming perennial, and drooping star in the west, And thought of him I love. (Chris reads from The Complete Works of Walt Whitman) Indians don't knock. It's rude. No? What the hell do Indians do? Use the key. (Ed with Joel's cabin key and Joel) You're a doctor, you're smart, you're brilliant. Toilets are dumb. (Maggie on why Joel could fix his own toilet) Uncle Anku doesn't like doctors? He doesn't trust them. Why is that? He IS a doctor. Oh really? Which kind? Witch. Which which? Which what? Which doctor? Right. (Joel and Ed) I'm really sorry if my incompetence offends your idea of Alaskan self-reliance. (Joel to Maggie as she repairs his toilet) Have a great time. Tell Rick to feel free to drop by anytime so I can sew up those puncture wounds from you walking all over him in those heels. (Joel to Maggie) This is Cicely, Alaska, not San Francisco. (Maurice on the air, rejecting Walt Whitman) You look tired! Yeah, well, I was up all night trying to think like a shower. Maybe you should start with something easier, like a sink or a faucet. (Ed and Joel) It's just a little prostate cancer. Oh? What's led you to that conclusion? I had a dream. I read a couple tea leaves. Tea leaves? And I saw a specialist in Anchorage when I went to get the chicken...Gotcha! (Ed's Uncle Anku and Joel) Granted, I'm not in New York City and I'm not playing in Yankee Stadium, but the game's still the same and the rules still apply: Doctors do not chase patients. (Joel to Ed, on going to see Uncle Anku) Pride is a powerful narcotic, but it doesn't do much for the auto-immune system. (Uncle Anku to Joel, going to the hospital) Are you drunk, Fleischman? No - I'm just...I'm a little...I'm homesick. Must be all this clean air, the bright stars. I can't sleep without bus fumes, the din of traffic, the crazy people in the street. (Maggie and Joel)

1.03 Soapy Sanderson Storyline --------- Soapy Sanderson wills his land to Maggie and Joel. Quotes ------ You're angry. Angry? Of course not. I LOVE hanging out watching Marilyn browse through my Sharper Image catalog. In case you hadn't noticed the diploma in my office, I am a doctor. And even if you don't like me, you owe a certain amount of respect to the years of medical school and training I've put in. Are you trying to tell me that in a town of 815 people with 16 hours of daylight, you have a hard time squeezing everybody in? It's the principle. Look, hello, "I was hit by a bus" is a reason to be late for a doctor's appointment. Not, "I decided to have my nails done at the last minute." (Maggie shows up late for an appointment with Joel) You know, feisty women never get boring. Let me tell you something. Boring women get a bad rap. There's a lot to be said for boring women. (Soapy and Joel discuss women/Maggie) I can't wait to get up at the crack of dawn and climb into a flying sardine can with a woman who wishes I'd catch a slow and painful disease so I can do some dirty deed for an old geezer who ignores everything I tell him and then gets annoyed at me because he doesn't get better. I'm just living for that. I don't know how I'll sleep. (Joel) I think there were a couple of air pockets you missed back there - let's look for them on the way back... How did you ever survive in New York City? Hey, my idea of roughing it is mass transit...it doesn't require Dramamine. (Joel complains to Maggie about the flight) Maggie, he's wearing Old Spice. The man shaved to kill himself. (Joel and Maggie find Soapy) The will's in that box, along with some papers, and there's a nice bottle of wine for our troubles. Red or white? You have a really twisted sense of humor! (Maggie and Joel) I don't like people committing suicide. All the ethical considerations aside - it's just plain bad for business. (Joel to Maggie) A man, a dead man, puts you in his will, and naturally YOU WOULD think there's some ulterior motive. (Maggie to Joel) So, basically, I've inherited a hundred acres of dirt and a pack of wolves. Team like that will bring 10 maybe 12 hundred dollars. So, with enough work on my part, I'll have inherited a set of snow tires. I was thinking we could set up an animal preserve, and name it after Soapie. An animal preserve? So all the Alaskans can have some place to get back to nature? What's wrong with that? Nothing, it's original. It's just what's needed with all this urban sprawl. (Joel, Holling, Maggie) Chris, you play this crap at 6 in the morning and you'll be looking down so many barrels, you'll think you landed in an N.R.A. convention, and I'll be leading the pack. (Maurice to Chris, on country music) It's not a movie, it's a documentary. Oh yeah? I LIKE those! Animals kill each other; that bald guy sells insurance. (Documenters and Ed) Someone named Soapy has two doctorates? You knew that Soapy was a college professor? Everybody knew. I didn't. Well, you never asked. So, is Holling a former Secretary of State? Was Ed with the C.I.A.? What else have I missed cause I haven't thought to ask? (Joel to Maggie) Two glasses of this, and you may see me in an entirely new light. (Joel to Maggie, about a $200 bottle of wine) Soapie once told me that the thing he loved most about country music was its sense of myth. There's heroes and villains, good and bad, right and wrong. The protagonist strolls into a bar which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture. He contemplates his existence and asks himself, "Who's that babe in the red dress?" (Chris on the air) In his journal, he said that you guys were alike in more ways than looks. What do you mean? What did he say...he said you both sang your own song. What does that mean? I don't know. Soapy said Helen was less defensive than you are, but that you took more chances, except when it came to men. (The documenters interview Maggie) So what do I do? Only go out with guys that I'd like to see dead? (Maggie to Holling, musing on her luck) You are the most vile, odious, pernicious waste of corpuscles I've ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on. (Maggie to Joel, when she finds out about the sale) All you care about is you, and New York, and your precious career! Look, Mother Theresa. I did not get off the plane and say that I am Marcus Wellby, kindly physician, and all around swell guy! Okay!?! I was fully prepared to do my time in Anchorage, but I am contractually bound to this tundra under false pretenses and against my will. So if I resort to some unscrupulous practices to right a greater wrong, look, where's Amnesty International when it comes to Joel Fleischman?!? (Joel to Maggie) Alaska is not a place to run away from the world. Alaska is the world. (Maurice to the documentary people) If you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. I think when you're somewhere, you ought to be there. It's not about how long you stay in a place, it's about what you do while you're there, and when you go, is that place any better for your having been there? Am I answering your question? (Chris advises Joel) I've been thinking a lot about what you said and some of it was right on the money. A significant amount. Most of it. Everything except odorous - I bathe regularly. (Joel to Maggie) I gotta be honest. That woman and the hippocratic oath are having a hard time together in my head. (Joel to Ed, about Maggie) The only consequence of all this will be, that whenever I open a nice Bordeaux, there will be the distant, distasteful memory of a nutcase who tried to kill me because I allowed her to kiss me on the cheek under false pretenses. I can live with it. (Joel to Ed)

1.04 Dreams, Schemes and Putting Greens Storylines ---------- Shelly and Holling try to marry. Joel plays golf with business investors. Quotes ------ Here for a specific reason, Ed, or was it a little slow in the woods today? No, they're about the same as always. (Joel greets Ed while golfing) You know what I would do? About what? Lay astro-turf over this whole road and have yourself a real golf course. Yeah! We'll put in a windmill and call it Fleischman's mini-putt. (Ed gives advice to Joel) Tell him that Dr. Fleischman is the kind of enterprising, young professional who's chosen to stake his claim right here on the banks of the Alaskan Riviera. Tell him I'm being held against my will. (Maurice and Joel to the Japanese businessmen) Haven't you ever heard of hormones, Fleischman? What is this, a pop quiz? Yeah, I've heard of hormones. You want hormones? Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, which obviously regulates your personality. (Maggie to Joel) Gopher was the purser. Now he's a ... he's a what? Congressman. Right. Too bad the show was a hit, or he might have been an ex-president by now. (Joel and Ed, about "The Love Boat") You don't see anything tacky and obnoxious about dropping a lime-green rug in a setting like this? To you it's a rug. To me it's a 355-yard par 4 with two sand traps and a dogleg to the right. Then why don't you just hoist canvas over the trees, paint it blue, paste on a star or two! That's not a bad idea. Then you could drain the lake, line it with concrete, fill it with pebbles, and stock it with goldfish. Just come here to give me grief, O'Connell? Or am I catching you on a good day? (Maggie to Joel, on his golf hole) You know, I was kind of hoping that Shelly would get hitched to that astronaut fella...I admit he hasn't got all his oars in the water, but boy does he have a lot of cash! (Shelly's Dad meets Holling) You're forging a bond with these men that's tighter than a g-string on a Sumo-wrestler. (Maurice to Joel, on playing golf with the businessmen) Granted, it's a little a humid out there, and you are sounding a little nasal, but the forecast for this deal is sunny and mild. (Maurice to Joel, during the downpour) You see - For 40 years I have been alone, on my own, and life has been good. But now it's... It's what? It's better. So what's the problem? (Holling to Joel, on not marrying Shelly) You may think that since you're so much older than me, you know more about the world. That may be, but I read MAGAZINES. I watch TV. I know how people are supposed to treat each other. (Shelly to Holling) It's occasions like these that my thoughts turn to marriage. I think of the Dali Lama, the Pope, Mother Theresa. Very spiritual people who never took the plunge. Then, on the other hand, we have Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney who couldn't get enough of a good thing. (Chris officiates the ceremony) Shelly Tambo, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, 'til death do you part? Uh huh. Holling Vincoeur, do you take this lovely girl to be your lawful wedded wife, 'til death do you part?...Holling?...Holling? I wonder if I might speak with Shelly for a moment. In private. (Chris, Shelly, and Holling)

1.05 Russian Flu Quotes ------ After you've been in a place for a while, everything starts to look... I won't say better, there's no need to go to extremes...but your everyday life does start to become...familiar. (Joel, on life in Cicely) But lonely guy letters and long-distance phone calls are a poor substitute for a big kiss and a big, big hug. (Joel awaits Elaine) No wait, this is my fiance that you are not flying in. This is impossible! (Joel, having just grounded a sick pilot) No. No drunks, no convicted felons, and no one named Maggie. Her real name is Mary Margaret. (Joel and Ed, looking for a pilot) It's just...being my fiance, Elaine is a very special person to me. I would hope so. So, I don't want you doing any white knucklers while you've got her up there. (Joel asks Maggie to fly Elaine up) Joey, you're so tight. It's Alaska. It's completely restricting my central nervous system. (Elaine to Joel, getting a backrub) I am well aware that the flu season doesn't officially begin for the next two months, but you try and tell that to people who have been barfing in my bathroom all night, if you get my drift. (Joel to an Anchorage doctor on the phone) What IS this?! An ancient tribal remedy. It smells like moose dung! (Joel to Marilyn) What's the native logic here? If you feel like crap, you should smell like it, too? (Joel to Marilyn, examining the "ointment") It does seem a little superfluous to use an air-conditioner in Alaska. The hum helps me get to sleep. (Elaine and Joel) Just what kind of flu have we have here, Doc? That's an excellent question, Holling, that's an excellent question. A flu virus is named for its point of origin. Um, the Shanghai flu, the Hong Kong flu, the Russian flu, the Westchester... So, it could be Russian flu? Certainly. I never did trust Gorbachev. (Holling, Joel and Ruth-Anne at the town meeting) It's pretty sad when the Soviets' only hope for world domination is to send a flock of sick birds across the Bering Strait. Don't be ridiculous. This is not a political conspiracy, I promise you -- this is a medical problem! That's easy for you to say! What is THAT supposed to mean? It means your grandfather was probably a Trotsky-ite and your parents marched in candlelight vigils for Julius and Ethel Rosenberg! (Townspeople and Joel at the town meeting) And despite everything, I think everyone learned a lot of really good stuff tonight. Oh, really? Yeah! I never knew there was a power struggle in the Kremlin after Andropov died. (Ed and Joel, after the town meeting) Elaine, get back in bed. You're not supposed to be walking around! I need more tea. I'll bring it in to you. Fortunately for both of us, I am perfectly capable of boiling a pot of water. (Joel to a sick Elaine) This is a highly contagious infection - practically the whole town's got it. Not Maggie. All right - there's one glaring exception. (Joel and Elaine) I disagree with the last caller. Even though Dr. Fleischman is incompetent, why, that's not a reason to ship him off to Siberia! (Jules on the KBHR phone line) Marilyn, did I not specifically tell you that this office could not legally or morally prescribe a treatment with no known medical value? You didn't prescribe it - I did. How many people did you give it to? Five? Ten? Everyone?!? (Joel to Marilyn) Desperate times call for desperate measures. Take off your nightgown. Oh honey, I'm not in the mood. (Joel gives Elaine the ancient treatment) Hey, big boy - I missed you. Do you want to go out on the roof? Or you want to do it in the atrium? Or do you want to do it in the igloo? (Maggie to Joel in a dream) Yes, some big shoes needed to be filled, and I always did have an extra wide foot. (Ed on the air, filling in for Chris) You could take your half; you'd apply it to various tribal projects; I could take my half and retire comfortably for the rest of my life! Sound plausible? (Joel to Marilyn, trying to make money with the tribal remedy) Would you like me to rub this all over you? Yeah, that would be... You would? In your DREAMS, Fleischman. (Maggie brings some remedy to Joel)

1.06 Sex, Lies, and Ed's Tape Rick discovers a growth on his skin. Ed tries to write a movie. Wayne comes to town. Quotes ------ Holling says my nipples are as hard as sapphires. Yeah, well, okay, is that a question? (Shelly is examined by Joel) Give the stud a gun, a car, throw in a good-looking woman. Then you've got yourself a movie! Grope & kill. Grope & kill. (Maurice advises Ed on moviewriting) I'll let you people catch up on old times. (Holling to Wayne and Shelly, avoiding thier conflict) In my experience, I have seen this many many times, and only once has it been malignant. But this one time when it was bad; is the person okay now? No, but... No? He's dead? Yeah, but... How long...how long did he live? Six months, but... Six months!?! (Joel discovers a "growth" on Rick) You forgot to tell me you were married? Yes. Don't tell me that you've never forgotten anything, Holling. We were almost married, Shelly. Almost doesn't count in horseshoes and marriage. (Holling and Shelly) The odds are a thousand to one - why would you be the one in a thousand? This is ridiculous - you're not that special. (Maggie denies Rick's growth) I'd be playing for the Flames by now if it wasn't for her walking out on me. She took the fire right out of me. I didn't want to fight; I didn't want to stick. I didn't want to crush nobody's skull. (Wayne, about Shelly) You mean to tell me her nipples are hard as sapphire, she's eating like two horses, her breasts are growing by leaps and bounds, and she's NOT pregnant? (Holling, to Joel) They do stupid things and die. I'm supposed to feel responsible? (Maggie to Shelly, about her luck with men) There are more important things to talk about in the world besides fat-burgers. Yeah, yeah, I know. Hockey and sex. But as far as I'm concerned, there is still enough room on this planet for small talk. (Shelly and Wayne) Because if I can't count on you when something as piddly as a husband pops up, what happens when the really big stuff hits? (Shelly) I don't think I'm a high-concept kind of guy. (Ed talks about his writing style)

1.07 A Kodiak Moment Quotes ------ Now for the traffic report. Maggie O'Connell just drove down Main Street...too fast. (Chris in the Morning) You had me do a two hour turn around to Anchorage to pick up BAGELS? They were supposed to be medical supplies! (Maggie to Joel, after a rush delivery) There are four words you need to know to adequately prepare yourself for childbirth. Take notes here, ladies. "I WANT MY EPIDURAL!" (Joel to the class) If my people were good with money, I would be on Park Avenue shooting estrogen into rich widows instead of here. (Joel to Maurice) Tom, thanks for the fruit basket. It's always good to have some apples when you're in mourning. (Maurice on the phone) So, how was school today, son? (Maurice to Chris, at dinner) Malcolm and my dad had the right stuff. As far as they were concerned, I was spam in a can. (Maurice to Chris, on being an astronaut) Roy Rogers had Silver, the Lone Ranger had Trigger, and I've got my Caddie. (Maurice gives his Cadillac to Chris) I can feel him inside me. Holling? No, Jessie. (Shelly to Ed, who hears the action in the tent) Ed, grab Holling's ShureShot. I want a picture to remember this by. The time we faced the enemy head-on together and lived to tell about it. (Shelly to Ed, before returning to the sack) You consider yourself grounded, young man! Stick it between your legs, DAD. (Maurice to Chris, ending a croquet match) Do you know what the motto of the state of Alaska is? If it aint broke, don't fix it? No. North to the future. That's my motto too. Compass point to opportunity. Direction to tomorrow. A caribou in every pot. A snowmobile in every garage. (Maurice to Joel)

1.08 Aurora Borealis Storylines ---------- Chris finds out he has a brother. Joel encounters Adam. Quotes ------ You're missing the point, Ed. Golf isn't a game, it's a choice that one makes with one's life. To hang out with people in funny-looking pants? (Joel to Ed) It's a bare footprint. As in grizzly bear footprint? No, more like as in a person with no shoes on. (Ed and Joel find a footprint) What does he look like? He's big. Broad-shouldered. Flat-top head. Kind of hulking. Green. That's Frankenstein. (Joel and Ed) I know what the aurora borealis is, Chris. I've seen it up close and personal. (Maurice to Chris, referring to his days in space) I can't criticize what I don't understand. If you want to call this art, you've got the benefit of all my doubts. (Maurice to Chris, on his sculpture) You found her out on Baker's point? You've got some snout, son. You're like a pig with truffles when it comes to the fillies! (Maurice to Chris) Marilyn, I think we should review office procedure one more time. When I ask for a patient's chart, I don't want a map to his house, I want his medical records, I am a doctor. (Joel to Marilyn, who provided a map to Ranger Burns' lookout) Where am I? You know, I've been asking myself that same question since I got here. I've finally figured out we are somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere. Oh. Where is that on the map? (Bernard meets Joel) You're black. Yeah? We had a black logger here once, but he left. Why's that? I guess he wasn't into drinking beer and fighting. (Ed to Bernard) What were you talking about this morning? Jung and... ...the collective unconscious. Did they tour or just cut records? (Shelly to Chris) Jung says that dreams are the woofer and tweeter of the total sound system. (Chris) It's crazy. One morning, you're living your life in Portland. You get up, and go to work at the IRS. Nothing special. And you have this dream. At least, you think it's a dream, but you're not sure. So you quit your job, you sell your condo, and you buy yourself a Harley, although you're afraid of motorcycles. And then you head North, with no fixed destination in mind. But you know you've got to keep going and going and going, and just when you think you've lost touch with everything that was once real, you find yourself in Cicely, Alaska on the cusp of the new Alaskan Riviera. Know what I mean? (Bernard to Chris, Holling, and Shelly in the Brick) So, from way up here, have you ever spotted anything, um, unusual? Unusual? How so? Uh...I don't know. You know, big, green. Well, I've seen a lot of trees. (Joel discretely inquires about Adam to Ranger Burns) They wonder at Anchorage why I've got migraines. It's a big big responsibility waiting for disaster to happen. It's very stressful. (Ranger Burns to Joel, on his headaches) Let me ask you something. Say that a fire did break out, and you spotted it, it's not like there are any firefighters up here to do anything. Well, that's what I keep trying to tell them down in Anchorage, but nobody listens to me. (Joel to Ranger Burns) You can rip me off - just don't leave me here! (Joel, scared in the dark forest, to Adam) Do you know WHO I am? No. I'm Adam. Oh, I'm Chef Boyardee. (Adam and Joel) Do I have to do something to prove to you that I'm Adam? Adam is a big, threatening, wild...I mean, granted, you're that. But, he's not the kind of guy who stirs noodles in a wok. (Adam and Joel) It's like Jung said, the unconscious is revealed through the imagery of our dreams which express our innermost fears and our desires. Jung said that? Yeah, I think it was Jung. Either that or Vincent Price. (Chris and Bernard) Hello boys, I am Carl Jung. And while I know much about the collective unconscious, I don't know how to drive! (Carl Jung to Bernard and Chris in their dream) Hold this thing correctly...it's a spoon, not a darning needle! (Adam teaches Joel to cook) Son, if you think you're going to get out of your employment with this psycho-babble routine, you've got another thing coming. (Maurice to Joel) Your birthday's July 3rd? July 3rd, 1963. What? I was born July 3rd, 1963. Do you have a picture of your father?!? (Chris and Bernard make an interesting discovery)

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