3.01 The Bumpy Road to Love Storylines ---------- Maggie meets another on of Rick's girlfriends. Joel is kidnapped by Eve. Maurice romances Barbara. Quotes ------ It was supposed to be dignified and regal. And instead, it looks like... A hood ornament. (Maggie and Joel about Rick's statue) So it didn't bother you in the least that there were two of us? Two?!? (Maggie talks to one of Rick's other girlfriends) The tradition of the toast hearkens back to 17th century England, when the health or success of a new venture was christened by a drink of wine with a piece of toast submerged in it. Over time, we've dispensed with the actual toasted bread, but the intent remains the same. (Maurice toasts Shelly and Holling) You can't compare roller-blading to crouching in a duckblind with a shotgun next to your cheek. How come we never go to duck blinds? You want to sit in a duck blind?! (Maurice, Shelly, Holling) You're married? You never said you were married. Oh, did I neglect to give you my curriculum vitae? (Joel and Adam) Baden Baden, as in Germany? Do you know another Baden Baden? (Joel to Adam) So Adam, this alleged wife of yours. Her name's Eve. You're kidding. You're wife's name is Eve? Spare me the snake and apple jokes, please. (Joel and Adam) And let me tell you. Every single hour of every single day of every single year has been bliss. Not happiness, Fleischman. Pure, unadulterated ecstasy. Well, she must be very special. Special? She's incredible. She's unique. She's a rare flower, a precious jewel. Most men can only dream about a woman like Eve and I have her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Sounds wonderful. You've never been married, have you? (Adam to Joel, on being married to Eve) Men can only think of one thing. The joystick. Is it big enough, and where can they put it? (Maggie to Ed, on men) Ok. Sex is fine. Sex is good. Sex is GREAT! Okay, okay, we need men for sex... Do we need so many? (Maggie to Ed, on why men exist) Barbara is just so much fun to be with. It's like this morning she threw me an axe and we raced through a half a cord of white spruce. Sounds like a heavy duty blood rush. You know, Chris, I've always differentiated between men and women. To me, men were comrades, friends, confidants. Women were objects of desire, admiration, nothing more. (Maurice and Chris) By assaulting me you have broken the social contract between physician and patient. You're angry now, I can understand that. (Eve enslaves Joel as a personal physician) Barbara, loopholes are an American tradition. Not in my book. (Maurice to Barbara) I happen to have more to my life than Bernaise sauce. Oh, yeah?! Like antihistimines! Like tetracycline! You have more pills than the F.D.A. (Eve and Adam, in a moment of "bliss") In Kyudo philosophy, you don't aim--you become one with the target. Then, in fact, there's nothing to aim at. I find it works well with women, too. Give it a try. (Chris to Maurice, on women) I thought I loved him, but I really just needed him. There was so much death and when I was in bed with him, I wasn't thinking about death...Look, what I'm trying to say is that we can't know what's in another person's heart, we can't even know what's in our own. Life turns on a dime, and somehow we muddle through. (Ruth-Anne to Maggie, recalling an affair) At times, I actually find you refreshing. You mean like a glass of ginger ale? And occasionally amusing. (Maggie to Joel)

3.02 Only You Storylines ---------- Chris's pheromones kick into overdrive. An optometrist visits town. Quotes ------ Now chili, chili is really good as long as there's not too many beans there. You get too many beans and you're in the realm of a vegetable side dish. (Chris and Joel talk about food) Presbyopia is not uncommon in someone in their early 30s. I'm not in my 30s. I'm nowhere near 30! I'm 29! (Optometrist to Maggie) Have you ever seen a man with this kind of incredible, irresistible magnetism to the opposite sex? James Bond. That's the movies, Ed. Try reality. No thanks! (Joel and Ed talk about Chris) That's an interesting concept O'Connell--a weight-loss program for far-sightedness. (Joel to a worried Maggie) Presbyopia...is a harbinger...of the inevitable downhill slide. Old age. The eyes go first, then the claims of gravity set in: the fold under the eyes, the roll beneath the chin, waddles, cellulite, the breasts, the buttocks go. Next thing you know, you look in the mirror, you see a Bassett-hound. (Joel to Maggie) Think about a woman. Doesn't know you're thinking about her. Doesn't care you're thinking about her. Makes you think about her even more. I'm thinking about her. How him and her became them and I became only me. Yeah, him. I wonder who her him is. I bet Holling's got her moaning on the bun warmer right now. Irene? Shelly! (Chris and Maurice talk women) It's kind of interesting. On one level, I want to perform. All men do. On another I guess I didn't. (Chris reacts to his impotence with two women) It's more than sex. I want to go on a walk with her. I want to feed her. I want to read Sendak to her. (Chris about the optometrist) Fleischman, you don't understand anything that's not in a book. Not makeup. Not men. Not me. You haven't a clue. (An irate Maggie to Joel) Maurice says Holling seduced you. Holling claims he successfully resisted his desires. What's your recollection? My record collection? (Joel to Shelly, about her arrival in Cicely) Obsessions and fixations are not really my field. All I know, when the mind really grabs hold of something, look out. Crazy glue. Exactly. (Joel and Chris talk) The rejection has been devastating. It's like an emotional tsunami. I'm in this excruciating pain. I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's great! Thanks for the experience. (Chris to the optometrist) Most of you have been where I am tonight. The crash site of unrequited love. You ask yourself, How did I get here? What was it about? Was it her smile? Was it the way she crossed her legs, the turn of her ankle, the poignant vulnerability of her slender wrists? What are these elusive and ephemeral things that ignite passion in the human heart? That's an age-old question. It's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night. You said it best, Will. "Love looks not with eye but with the mind, And therefore is the wing'd Cupid painted blind." (Chris on the air, Quote from "A Midsummer Night's Dream," i.i.234)

3.03 Oy, Wilderness Storylines ---------- Maggie and Joel are stranded in the wilderness. Shelly's friend, Cindy, visits. Quotes ------ Can't you call the airplane version of the A.A.A.? Fleischman, this isn't Central Park! (Joel and Maggie, stranded) What is this made of? Nylon. This is nothing! This is supposed to protect us from the elements? If this protects us from one element we'll be lucky...to a bear this would be like gift wrapping. (Joel sees Maggie assembling the tent) When they find out Wayne is a...whatchamacallit... A bigamist. No, not that! I mean one of those guys who's married to two chicks at the same time. (Cindy and Holling) What was that?! A wolf. In the entire history of the Northwest, there's never been a recorded incident of a man being attacked by a wolf. It happens all the time in Russian novels, especially to newlyweds. (Joel and Maggie in the tent) What are wolverines anyways? Little wolves that swarm all over you and nibble you to death? (Joel to Maggie) ...to not even flush, to just stand up and walk away, there's no sense of completion. (Joel's opinion of outdoor "restrooms") You're walking into those woods?! You don't know what's out there. I have a gun. They don't know that. They see us walking around out there, they think we're with the Sierra Club and THAT's a stick. Who's they? I don't know. Wild animals, white supremists, attack bugs. (Joel and Maggie) Personally, I don't believe in chronological age. Shelly could have an old soul and you could have a young one. In fact, she could even be older than you....Love knows no boundaries, Holling. Age, race, religion, sex. It mows them all down. (Chris to Holling, on the age differences) If you can glue two people together, how come you can't break them apart? (Shelly to Chris, on divorce) Used to be, when people took the marriage vow, "Til Death Do Us Part," meant just that. But as often as not these days, people take a look at each other after a few years in the marital sack and say, "See ya later, Jack." Maybe that's good. Wolves mate for life, but our species lives a lot longer, maybe too long to stay hitched to the same post. Well, individual opinion aside, divorce looks like it's here to stay. So instead of seeing it as a king of failure or dead end, why not celebrate divorce as the beginning of something? A fresh start. Another chance to step up to the big wheel. Like Swami Bodhidharma says, you can't have a thing until you let it go. In other words, when things look real bad, maybe it's better to find a new way of looking at them. (Chris divorces Shelly and Wayne)

3.04 Animals R Us Storylines ---------- Rick is reincarnated as a dog. Ed works on his movie. Marilyn raises ostriches. Quotes ------ I'm not a veterinarian O'Connell. I deal exclusively in furless animals, although with some people around here the line is kind of fuzzy. (Joel to Maggie) Nobody hardly ever sits here anymore. Ever since Rick ... you know...ate the satellite. (Shelly to Maggie, about the dog on Rick's stool) If you're Rick, bark three times. Woof, woof, woof. (Maggie to "Rick") This hat from Universal Studios...this isn't...? Steven said it brought him good luck. Of course, that was a couple movies ago. (Joel visits Ed's place) Hey Ed - you're an Indian. Is this Rick? Oh, I don't know. But if Rick were to come back as a dog...I think he'd be a terrier. (Shelly and Ed) All we are basically, are monkeys with car keys. (Grandma Woody to Ed) Let me ask you people something. What do you think about dogs? I enjoy them. If cooked properly. Why not. It's all a cultural bias anyway. They're really just pigs with fur. (Joel to Indian Chiefs) Maybe I did have some leftover things to work out with Rick, and maybe I did work them out with a dog, but so what! (Maggie to Joel)

3.05 Jules et Joel Quotes ------ I'm very happy with myself. I have no need to go slumming in your persona. (Joel to Jules, on changing identites for a day) As a physician, I have to tell you that that's a perfect breeding ground for aerobic bacteria, salmonella, streptococcus, cholera. Yeah, I'd keep it covered. (Jules [as Joel] to Ruth-Anne, on her garbage can) Dr. Fleischman! That's me. Did my test results come in? Errr...yeah...and you got an "A"! (Patient to Jules [as Joel] on the street) Don't worry, I won't tell anyone it's you. How did you know, Ed? It's an Indian thing. We're not taken in by appearances. (Ed uncovers Jules [as Joel] in The Brick) Just between us, maybe it's because he's such a malcontent, you know? Because he's so self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, and because he's so totally-lacking in any quality I look for in a man. Yet, in some perverse way, I am attracted to him. (Maggie to Joel [as Jules], talking about Joel) We have a relationship, Stevens. We're both from West Virginia. (Frank to Chris, trying to turn himself in) That's it? That's the story? Oh, no. Afterwards they went in and found the sheriff. He was chopped up in little sections, like Dave does with those chickens. I guess Sweedo changed his mind. (Ed tells Chris about another person who 'surrendered') What seems to be the problem? Well, I got a headache and a sore throat. I think I got that flu that's going around. Well, I'm not going to rule out the flu, but there are other possibilities. Tonsillitis, brain tumor. Let's take a look see. (Jules [as Joel] with a patient) Premeditated spontaneity is about as exhilarating as getting the measles twice. (Joel in the jail, talking to Freud) Take O'Connell, for example. Jules plies her with alcoholic beverages, instinctively tells her everything he knows she wants to hear, flatters her, charms her, and then sticks his tongue down her throat before she has a chance to say ahh! (Joel to Freud) What I really want is to lick her naked body from head to foot like a postage stamp. (Joel to Freud, about Maggie) There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vadar in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either/or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness, stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. Give that old dark night of the soul a hug! Howl the eternal yes! (Chris on the air, after Frank surrenders to him) 3.06 The Body in Question Storylines ---------- A frozen Frenchman is found in the river. Holling reveals his ancestry. Shelly worries about sterility. Quotes ------ As far as I'm concerned, after 100 years, carrion becomes memorabilia. (Maurice, on the fate of the body) Once again, a little P.B.S. proves a dangerous thing. (Joel to Maggie, on cryogenics) You're a scientist, but more important, you're a New Yorker. You were born with an innate skepticism, a natural sense of superiority in the way of the world. (Maurice to Joel, on investigating the body) History is powerful stuff. One day your world is fine. The next day it's knocked for a metaphysical loop. Was Napoleon really at Waterloo? Would that change what I had for breakfast? Thoughts turn to our refrigerated friend Pierre, Pierre the Windmill, stepchild of history. If those chapped lips could speak, what would they say? Bonjour? (Chris on the air) How can I nap when the course of Western civilization as we know it rests on my shoulders? (Joel to Marilyn, on diagnosing Pierre's age) And you put 2 and 2 together and came up with 22? Yeah! (Joel to Shelly, on her conclusions) We are all just genes. This mortal coil. Nothing more than a vessel by which the gene pool is transported from one flower to the next, and the Vincour gene pool is poisoned. What you're saying is, your family is like this genetic Chernobyl? (Holling to Joel, on being descended from royalty) All those years of rigorously honed skills out the window. The painstaking, not to mention expensive development of a state-of-the-art, late-20th century mind. In one fell swoop my whole gestalt is in the toilet. Kablooee. (Joel laments) What is it around here? The water? The air? I feel like I'm changing. I'm mutating in some horribly grotesque way... (Joel lamenting again) Build a Hyatt, they will come. I think we all agree on that, but tonight I'm troubled. It's not the leveling of a sleepy little town into a commercial eyesore that bothers me. The metaphysical implications bother me. Unleashing Pierre changes history, and that's heavy-duty trampling on the Karma of the collective unconscious. Are we ready to accept responsibility for that? Well, I'm no military buff, but thousands of the old French guard died at Waterloo. Thousands of British and Prussians died stopping them. Take Napoleon out of that loop and what's left? Haven't we stripped the meaning from those deaths, made a mockery of the bloodshed? Our lives are fragile things, built on creaky foundations. You chip away the edifice of history and you weaken one of the few spiritual timbers we have left. Did George Washington really chop down that cherry tree? Did Davey Crockett kill a bear when he was only three? It's pretty unlikely--it makes our lives a little easier, though. It's nice to think that. I'm just saying that revealing Pierre's secret might release a malestrom of doubt, leaving untold psychic devastation in it's wake. A metaphysical tsunami, if you will. (Chris at the town meeting, on the fate of Pierre) There you go, ladies and gentlemen. That's the opinion of a New York doctor. A JEWISH New York doctor... (Maurice, reacts to Joel's comments) How old am I, O'connel? Twentynine. Wrong. I'm 4 million years old....I've slept in trees. I've crossed the Negev. I've run from the Cossacks. It's all me. (Joel to Maggie, free-associating) Avoir to Pierre. Where'd he come from, where's he going? I guess we could all ask the same questions of ourselves. I'm going to let a fellow Frenchman here have the last words. "When from a long distant past nothing persists, after the people are dead, after things are broken and scattered, still alone, more persistent, more faithful, the smell and taste of things remain poised a long, long time like souls, ready to remind us, waiting, hoping for their moment amid the ruins of all the rest, and bear unfaltering in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence the vast structure of recollection." (Chris reads from "Remembrance of Things Past" by Marcel Proust)

3.07 Roots Quotes ------ Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: "return to sender, addressee unknown." That's a shame because it's a whole other world out there--or in here depending on your point of view. Indeed, for all we know this very moment could be nothing more than vapors of our own imaginations. As Bertrand Russell mused, "I do not believe that I am now dreaming, but I cannot prove that I am not." Point being, there could be more to our nocturnal journeys than commonly accepted or considered. (Chris in the morning) This is how you treat a friend? You kidnapped me; your wife held me in chains! All right, acquaintance. (Adam asks Joel for money) She dumps me for a retiree that goes belly-up and then wants an emotional refund? (Joel to Adam, on Elaine's appearance) Pray tell? Shoelace? Road kill? Color swatch? Surely this is NOT a tomato! (Adam insults Holling's bar) Men have feelings too, and mine have been mutilated by the fount of human kindness currently overflowing in your truck. (Joel to Maggie, about Elaine) The rainforest of my psyche has been sprayed with defoliant! (Bernard to Chris, on not having dreams) Jambo, Cicely, this is Chris in the morning coming at you one last time. It is with a heavy heart that I bid you all farewell. As needs I must respond to the mysterious ways of heart and mind. My brother's arrival has been an epiphany for your local D.J., a karmic trip-wire igniting a deeper awareness of my connections to the planet. My brother also brought with him the financial means for me to explore my newfound identity....My heart beats to the African drum, my blood flows with the river Niger. Today and henceforth, I formally declare myself to be a person of color. (Chris on the air) Chris, I don't want to appropriate your unconsciousness, but I think this is supposed to be my dream. (Bernard to Chris) The mere thought of intimacy turns you into an Eskimo Pie. (Adam to Maggie) The Fleischman I know is arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, and a walking SMIRK! (Maggie to Adam) You, on the other hand, will be surrounded by cats. Lots and lots of cats. (Adam to Maggie, getting the final word on her future) Einstein said God doesn't play dice with the universe, but I don't know--maybe not as a whole, but I think he gets a pretty big kick out of messing in peoples' back yards. (Chris)

3.08 A-Hunting We Will Go Quotes ------ Yesterday he was a beauty. Today he's a dead animal in the back of a truck. (Joel reacts to Maggie's hunt) This isn't meat! This is a majestic animal living by its wits in the wild. WAS a majestic animal living by its wits in the wild. What do YOU know about majestic or wild or even animals for that matter, unless of course, we're talking about thoroughly demoralized animals living behind bars in an urban zoo. (Joel and Maggie) What gives YOU the right to be a murderer of animals for your own pleasure? MY hunting license. (Joel and Maggie) You don't have problems with that? Oh, occasionally. Pangs of guilt, general remorse? Getting the big guys up on the truck. (Joel to Ruth-Anne, on hunting) It's best to kill the meat before you eat it, otherwise you tend to hear it scream. Right, Holling? Fine, but God also gave us Sizzler and Safeway and T-bone wrapped in little cellophane packages from animals that don't know a better way of life. I'd rather get my brains blown out in the wild than wait in terror at the slaughterhouse. (Chris, Joel, and Holling discuss hunting) Take the Naskay Indians. They believe to this day the destruction of their people came from eating domestic instead of wild animals...We may be four hundred generations removed from the African Pliocene, when we left home in the morning with spears in our hands, but there's no better antidote for our current domestication than to stalk some wild beast through the tall timber. (Chris to Holling and Joel) What do you think about this hunting thing? It's alright. It's a lot easier to go over and eat at Holling's though. (Joel seeks Ed's opinion) Dr. Joel Fleischman, spokesman for majestic animals of the wilderness is going to commit Bambicide? (Maggie to Joel, when he tells her about going hunting) So you decided to step out of your narrow little mindset, your narrow little world and deviate from your ritualized little existence. I'm impressed. Hey, I deviated plenty in New York. (Maggie to Joel, when he tells her about going hunting) You look like a creamsicle! I'm interested in being highly visible. I prefer not to come back stuffed and mounted. (Shelly to Joel about his hunting outfit) There go the hunters after their prey. Something wild just became fair game. A grouse, pecking at seeds today, will be under glass tomorrow. The Hunt. Just the word sends me a blast of adrenaline, like "Zero minus ten till blast off." Just you and mortality, nose to nose. (Maurice on the air) You can't celebrate when you're being stalked by the grim reaper. (Ed to Shelly, on why Ruth-Anne doesn't want a birthday party) Note the rise, the arc, lock onto it, take the bird inside you, link, linger, lash out! Don't hurry your shot. (Chris and Holling give Joel advice) Wild bird, creature of air and feather, today is a good day to die. In dying we are trying, and in trying we are both forgiven. A prayer kind of thing. Man becomes the food of the divinity he worships. (Chris and Holling to Joel, preparing for the hunt) Here we are at the very end of the 20th century with our GoreTex jackets, our laptop computers. We crouch in the ground and we meet the ancient ways, the beginning of the Paleolithic age, following the exact ritual as the caveman when he hunted the wooly mammoth. You go out to the woods, you see your prey and you subdue him with your club. The man who brings home the biggest buck gets the biggest knockout. Its so incredibly basic. Oooooooooooowww!! (Joel to Chris and Holling) I'm supposed to be your legs. Heel, Ed. You don't have the vericose to do me justice. (Ed to Ruth-Anne) At my age, I can live with a dormant sex life, but no pot roast is not a sacrifice I am willing to make. (Ruth-Anne) It appears that the shotgun blast delivered a psychic wound as well. (Chris to Shelly, on Joel's experience) What do women want? I don't know, do you? Same thing men want, only in prettier colors. (Chris and Ed) Fleischman shot a bird and now he's trying to unshoot it? The shame of Cain syndrome. The first one always seems like a brother. (Maggie and Chris) What are you going to do with him? I don't know, some kind of service? How about stuffing him...wild rice kind of stuffing. (Ed and Joel, on the grouse) The killing was the best part. It was the dying I couldn't take. (Joel) Sometimes her energy scares me. Shelly? She just runs on an open circuit. But is her groundwire connected? (Ruth-Anne and Chris) I've never eaten a patient before. (Joel) These days I prefer the home fires to campfires. Don't be getting all weird on me now babe. (Holling and Shelly)

3.09 Get Real Quotes ------ This guy couldn't tell the difference between a migraine and a subdural hematoma! (Joel reads about a classmate in posh circumstances) On the sub-atomic level, everything is so bizarre, unfathomable. With magic, you have some control. (Carnival guy to Chris) I'm not just going to read it Ed, I'm going to digest it, devour it, and regurgitate it. (Joel to Ed, studying the books) When we think of a magician, the image that comes to mind is Merlin--long white beard, cone-shaped hat--you know. Well in one version of the Arthurian legend this archetypal sorcerer retires, checks out of the conjuring business. His reason? The rationalists are taking over. the time for magic is coming to an end. Well ol' Merlin should've stuck around, 'cause those same rationalists, trying to put a rope around reality, found themselves in the psychedelic land of physics, a land of quarks and gluons and neutrinos, a place that refuses to play by Newtonian rules, that refuses to play by any rules at all--a place much better suited to the Merlins of the world. (Chris on the air) It seems to me as you peel back the onion of the atom, as you get into smaller and smaller particles, you find that they might not be particles at all. Subatomic particles might really just be vibrating waves of energy. The essential building block of everything is nothing. All is an illusion. That's what I hated about physics. What are you supposed to DO with information like that? (Chris and the circus man) I used to gaze at Shelly's feet..I'd see angels, flowers, swans. Children playing? That too. Yesterday all I saw was feet. (Holling to Chris, on Shelly's feet) People notice things about their significant other they don't like all the time--the way they chew their food or clip their toenails--it's a necessary part of a real relationship. Personally, I'm not into that, but lot's of folks seem to get over the hump and keep fueling the domestic fires. On the other hand, for me, when I begin to see flaws, chinks in the romantic armor, it's a foreshadowing--a sure sign, you know, that love's about to skip out the back door. Adios. Finito, benito. (Chris to Holling) I'd rather have big feet than a mean, little heart!! (Shelly to Holling, on her big feet) Well, you're either lovers or you're wanting to be lovers or you're trying not to be lovers so you can be friends, but any way you look at it, sex is always looming in the picture like a shadow, like an undertow. I like sex. (Maggie to Shelly, on men) You haven't had a date since Rick ate the satellite?!? (Shelly to Maggie) Look. This would be so easy for me. I mean, physically you're like my perfect fantasy. Clearly, the sex would be fabulous. I mean, you're strong, you've got a perfect back; I can just feel my arms and legs wrapped around you. We'd be all over the room and we'd go on for hours and hours...and the kids; oh yeah, I can see that the kids would be incredibly beautiful. But even with all this, it's just not enough. I'm sorry. I want to be happy. That's what I want. I want to be happy. (Maggie meets a handsome guy on the street) If there is nothing of substance in the world, if the ground we walk on is just a mirage, if reality itself really isn't, what are we left with? On what do we hang our hat? Magic. The stuff not ruled by rational law. Now, that might not seem too comforting, but stay with me. What's the height of the irrational, the zip code of the mysterious? Exactly. (Chris on the air. He then reads "A Red, Red, Rose" by R. Burns)

3.10 Seoul Mates Storylines ---------- Maurice meets his son. Joel decides to have a Christmas tree. Quotes ------ Twinkling colored lights are nice and so are plastic Santas and reindeers and nativity scenes, but let me tell you something. There's nothing like the sight of a beautiful, black-as-pitch raven to get you in the Christmas spirit. (Chris on the air) Who are you? He's my dad. Yeah, I got that part. And your son. (Maurice and his grandson) I've always liked Christmas. It's a great holiday for a Jewish kid. Two weeks off from school and nothing expected of you. (Joel to Ed & Dave, on Christmas) There are people who like to endow you with religious significance, but even at that you're more of a cultural symbol like the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam, Tony the Tiger. (Joel talks to his tree) I always admired atheists. I think it takes a lot of faith. (Joel to Ruth Anne) A long time ago, the raven looked down from the sky and saw that the people of the world were living in darkness. The ball of light was kept hidden by a selfish old chief. So the raven turned itself into a spruce needle and floated on the river where the chief's daughter came for water. She drank the spruce needle. She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy which was the raven in disguise. The baby cried and cried until the chief gave him the ball of light to play with. As soon as he had the light, the raven turned back into himself and carried the light into the sky. From then on, we no longer lived in darkness. (Marilyn tells the raven tale to Joel) Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore Tell me what thy lordy name is on the night's Plutonian shore! Quoth the raven, "Nevermore." Well, that's how Mr. Poe saw the raven. A lot of references in western literature do tend toward the negative. Like with most things in life, when it comes to transcendental symbols, one man's savior is another man's pair of lead boots. (Chris reads "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe on the air) "I," said the cow all white and red "I gave Him my manger for His bed; I gave him my hay to pillow his head." "I," said the cow all white and red. Thus every beast by some good spell, In the stable dark was glad to tell Of the gift he gave Immanuel, The gift he gave Immanuel. It's an old legend that on Christmas eve at midnight, all the animals fall to their knees and speak, praising the newborn Jesus. Back in the winter of '68...I was home alone Christmas Eve and I stayed up late to see if my dog, Buster, would talk. He did. At least, I think he did. I don't remember Buster's exact words, but that's not important. What matters is that a seven-year-old boy experienced his own personal epiphany. My point? It's that Christmas reveals itself to each of us in a personal way, be it secular or sacred. Whatever Christmas is, and it's many things to many people, we all own a piece of it, kinda like Santa's Bag. Inside, there's a gift for everyone. My Christmas wish for you tonight - may your dog talk. (Chris on the air, reading "The Friendly Beasts" a traditional carol)

3.11 Dateline: Cicely Storylines ---------- Adam writes some stories for Maurice's paper. Holling sells half the bar to Chris. Quotes ------ Holling, it says here you haven't paid your taxes since 1959. Correct. 1959? Statehood, I voted against it. And you've been withholding taxes as a form of political protest? Not exactly. I figured they would let me know if they really needed it. (Joel refuses to write a medical excuse for Holling) Dear Chris in the Morning: I loved your series on Islam. How about a transcript? Sorry Dave, there isn't one. I work without a net. (Chris reads a letter on the air) Bernard is out there in the motherland, hugging the curves down life's highways and Yours truly creeps along here at his petty pace day to day, full of sound and fury...lots of unnecessary commercial messages. Truth is folks, I've been dragging my psychic feet lately. Probably nothing more than your usual biorhythmic peaks and valleys, but there's no getting around the fact that we all need a pump. Something to make us jump up out of bed in the morning and greet the dawn with a big old cosmic howdy. (Chris muses over a postcard from Bernard) You're not ready for crepes, Dave. Why don't you go boil some water or something? (Adam to Dave) Spare me the A.M.A. party line, OK? I know all about it. If it never appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine, it never happened for you guys, right? (Adam to Joel) I was just going to ask where he practices. Hunan. If you must know. Hunan as in China? No, Hunan as in North Dakota. So Eve is in China? Am I talking to myself? (Joel asks Adam about Eve's whereabouts) I think something's been festering in this town like an angry boil, and it's time we gave it a scratch. (Maurice is angry on the lack of respect for the paper) The problem, Maurice, is your paper is a major snooze. (Ruth Anne to Maurice) A great newspaper needs a great reading public. We've all got to pull our own weight here people. End of story. (Maurice promotes the paper) What is this? This is cilantro? Why? You want to try this at home? I devote my life to culinary masterpieces. You think I'd reduce that to a shopping list? I suppose you think every passenger can fly your plane? (Maggie asks Adam about his cooking) Four bear claws means instant classic...one bear claw means stay home and read. I think it's time that people know the truth. (Ed suggests a movie-review for the paper) One can only guess at the unique circumstances which rendered him incapable of distinguishing Rocky and Bullwinkle from the evening news. (Joel about Adam) I'm sure everyone here is fascinated to hear more pop psychology from number fifty-four in his class at Columbia Med. (Adam rebuts Joel) I'll give you front page, a byline, the works. I'll throw in your picture. Are you insane? You want people to know where I am? Why don't you just paint crosshairs on my back? (Maurice asks Adam to write for the paper) I have great ears. If there was a tree out there talking, believe me, I would hear it. (Joel tries to listen to the trees with Maggie) You want to borrow my stethoscope? I'll bring it right back. Are you experiencing pain in a geographically sensitive region? Despite a relationship that could be described as an allergic reaction, I'm still your doctor. (Maggie and Joel) O'Connell...is concerned that a log she cut down is suffering from separation anxiety. (Joel to Maurice about the Cicely newspaper) Do you think I have the imagination to invent something like this? No. I know for a fact that you don't. No....you didn't....you did! You made a deal with Adam? (Maurice and Joel) You give 'em what they want. That's the role of journalism. No, Maurice. That's the role of professional wrestling! (Maurice and Joel) Rain usually makes me feel mellow. Curl up in the corner time, slow down, smell the furniture. Today it just makes me feel wet. What is it about possessing things? Why do we feel the need to own what we love, and why do we become jerks when we do? We've all been there--you want something, to possess it. By possessing something you lose it. You finally win the girl of your dreams, the first thing you do is change her. The little things she does with her hair, the way she wears her clothes or the way she chews her gum. Pretty soon what you like, what you changed, what you don't like, blends together like a watercolor in the rain. (Chris muses his purchase of the Brick) Why would I possibly want a restaurant? I hate people! (Adam can't be bribed) Statistically, if Adam talks enough, he has to hit on some truth every now and again. A broken clock is accurate twice a day. (Joel to Maurice, about Adam's talking-tree story) If your timber were to speak again, I have a feeling it would say something like, "Hey people, enough!" You know, some things we're not meant to tamper with, some things are better left alone. That's OK, because happiness doesn't come from having things, it comes from being part of things. (Chris on the air) I am not a child of nature. I am a child of asphalt and toxic fumes, and I've never listened to a tree before. (Joel to Maggie)

3.12 Our Tribe Storylines ---------- Holling closes the bar. Joel is adopted into the tribe. Quotes ------ She gave me a goat? A nice bottle of wine I'd understand. A box of chocolates, a Rolex. What do I want with a goat? Milk. (Joel to Marilyn, reacting to the gift of the goat) It was a shot of cortisone. It was hardly triple bypass surgery. (Joel, on healing the woman) What's the story here? We're talking testimonial, rubber chicken, followed by speeches, we smoke a peace pipe, I get a plaque, that sort of thing? (Joel to Marilyn, about the adoption process) I don't mind being honored, but I'm not going to be the object of Indian hazing. (Joel to Marilyn, declining the adoption) I have ZERO desire to go native. (Joel to Ed) She says you look unhappy. Who me? I told her you always look like that. (Marilyn and Joel) The richest man is the guy who has nothing. (Marilyn to Joel, why he needs to give away everything) What's this? A line. It's been so long since I've seen a line, I'd forgotten what one looks like. (Joel to Ruth-Anne in the store) Marilyn is a whole new universe of silence. I mean, we're talking a silence so cold, so relentlessly powerful, it actually sucks all the sounds out of the air. It's like being vibed into a black hole. You're out in space alone with this galactic VORTEX of disapproval. (Joel) I feel like the invisible man. Every time I turn around, another piece of me is gone. When is this going to stop? Now. Thank God. It's hard to escape the cult of rampant materialism that pervades this society, and though I've never considered myself a conspicuous consumer, I must confess I do feel purged and chastened by the whole experience. (Joel and Marilyn, about giving away his stuff) I used to wonder what could be worse than spending four years stuck here. I didn't think anything could be worse. I was wrong, now I know that. It's a great relief not waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Joel to Ed) Basically, we all belong to the same big tribe. That's true..... but you can't hang out with 5 billion people. (Joel to Ed, on belonging to tribes) I felt a funeral, in my brain, and mourners to and fro Kept treading-treading-till it seemed That Sence was breaking through- And when they all were seated, A Service, like a drum- Kept beating-beating- till I thought My Mind was going numb- I think what Emily had in mind when she penned those lines sums up the kind of day I've been having. Emotional weather report: cloudy, with a chance of rain until later in the week when the Brick reopens. Let's put on those psychic raincoats, turn up the collar and think about sunnier times. (Chris on the air, reading Emily Dickenson's poem) I am green with envy. You get to go back in time. Back when we sat around campfires, lived by our wits. Taste life and death directly, not second-hand by the trappings of western civilization. I happen to enjoy those trappings, and call me a Philistine, but I also harbor a deep desire to go through life with the same bland, unadorned body I was born with, free of tattoos, scars, or other forms of self- mutilation. (Chris to Joel) How did I get into this!? Sometimes it's hard to avoid the happiness of others. (Joel to Chris) Like Karl Jung says, there's no coming to consciousness without any pain. Let's get conscious, Cicely. (Chris) Welcome ... Heals With Tools! (Joel is welcomed to the tribe)

3.13 Things Become Extinct Storylines ---------- Ed looks for vanishing trades that he can film. Joel tries to find another Jew. Holling experiences a mid-life crisis. Quotes ------ I'm not a vanishing breed. Well, you're Jewish. That's pretty rare. (Joel and Ed) Lots of things are rare in Cicely. Boxed lunches, public transportation, victimless crimes. It doesn't mean they don't exist. (Joel's response to Ed) What about Costner? Is that Jewish? Costner, as in Kevin? No, I don't think so. It has a "ner". (Marilyn's thoughts about Joel's rule for finding Jews) Here we are. Now you're going to carve the flute? Now I take a nap. It's good to let the wood rest. (Wingfeather and Ed) In India, in China, rice with the morning meal is a common practice. It's just a very good lesson of how culturally habituated we've become. I'm used to seeing hash browns. I see this here rice and I withdraw. (Chris has breakfast at the Brick) We were snatching life out of the jaws of death all night and even all that hanky-panky didn't tire him out. (Shelly about Holling's depression) There are more Jewish mountains in Alaska than there are Jews. (Joel to Maurice, looking for Jews) I'm 63 years old. My life is half over. This must be what people call a mid-life crisis. (Holling to Joel) You think slower when you graze. (Holling to Joel) So what if we only have 64 more years together? We can still live each and every hour of each and every day. (Shelly tries to console Holling) Hard alcohol is a depressant. So much the better. (Joel reacts to Holling's offer of a drink) People would die to live here. I don't happen to be one of them, but most people. (Joel to Holling, about Alaska) You could die in a plane crash next week. You could choke on a chicken bone tomorrow and what would it have meant? Would you have been fulfilled, or would your life have been some pitiful, alienated, misplaced waste? (Holling to Joel, about life) The world used to be full of things which are no longer. Mastadons and Saber-Tooth tigers. Indian tribes. Herds of buffalo. Everything gets gone sooner or later. It's the lay of the land. Things become extinct. (Lightfeather to Ed) In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost. Oh how hard it is to tell of that wood, savage and dark and dense, the thought of which renews my fear. So bitter is it that death is hardly more. That's Dante folks, writing of his own midlife crisis. That's the 14th century. Six hundred years have passed and we're still into it. It's at that midpoint in our personal continuum when our delicate lives hang in the balance. We look behind us to see how far we've come and we realize that our past isn't a solitary trail through secret woods, but a vista as big and expansive as the ocean itself with our experiences stretching to the horizon like tiny dot-like sail boats, sucked up in the enormous sea. (Chris, reading Dante's "The Divine Comedy") What is this? Hair of dog. Thank you...that's very considerate. What is in this?! Hair of dog. (Joel, hungover, drinks something from Marilyn) Oatmeal? Get this out of here, please. I can't look at it. I need something warm and comforting, but not so aggressively comforting. Rice? Too white. (Shelly serves a hungover Joel)

3.14 Burning Down the House Storylines ---------- Joel uncovers the identity of the chimney sweep. Maggie's mother pays a visit. Chris wants to fling a cow. Quotes ------ Is that the cow you're going to fling? Well, I thought so. From a distance she's very engaging, but you get to know her and there's a certain wrongness about her. A wrongness? You mean... Yeah, as in not rightness. You realize that by flinging this cow, you're going to break every bone in it's body? Yeah. And the purpose of this is? Create a pure moment. (Joel and Chris) Want moo? Pass. It's VERY fresh. Double pass. (Chris offers milk to Joel) Don't get me wrong. My mother's a perfectly nice person. Perfectly nice. You know, perfectly perfect. (Maggie to Ruth-Anne) And we're going to have this transitory cow fling thing right here in Cicely? (Shelly to Chris) What's his name? Bob. Bob what? No, just Bob. (Joel and Marilyn discuss the chimney sweep) This chain, it's good. I like it. Can I have it? Sure, take it. (Chris prowls through Maggie's truck in front of her Mom) Even when the sex was nice, it wasn't that nice! You know how Frank is, methodical, wooden. Whatever creativity he had left went into a hatchback. (Maggie's mom describes her married life) Chris does venture out farther than some of us, but he usually ends up with something pretty interesting. (Ruth-Anne to Joel, about Chris's fling) Maggie, happiness just wasn't part of the job description back then. You tried to find a helpmate to keep the cold wind and dogs at bay. Happiness just wasn't part of the equation. Survival was. (Holling to Maggie, about relationships) What's the problem? The problem is, all my life I've been rebelling against something that didn't exist. (Maggie to Ruth-Anne) I have no pillows. I have nothing! I have no underwear. If I had a pet, it would be dead! (Maggie after the fire) It could have been really bad - your mom could have cooked! (Shelly's response to the fire) First she ruins my life. And then she ruins my LIFE! (Maggie describes her mom) And then they hurl this cow right at the castle with a catapult. POW! (Ed tells Chris about Monty Python) You're not going to fling the cow now? What's the point, it's already been flung. (Ed to Chris, breaking bad news...) People ought to change careers every couple of decades or so. It keeps things fresh. (Holling, about Larry Coe leaving golf) In a way, you're lucky. I waited until I was 58 to burn down my house and I loved that house. I wished I'd done it sooner. (Maggie's Mom tells of her life) Repetition is the death of art. (Chris decides not to fling a cow) Dave...he's melted into Rick's head. Rick's foot is in Bruce's back. Every man I've ever been involved with is now merged into one big blob. (Maggie combs the wreckage) Look at this! This is beautiful! We are standing at the center of primordial ooze. It's like the world at the dawn of creation...This is the answer, right here. Destruction and creation. The scarred battlefield of life. From the ashes rises the phoenix! From the skin rises a new snake! (Chris sees the piano as something to fling) I've been here now for some days, groping my way along, trying to realize my vision here. I started concentrating so hard on my vision that I lost sight. I've come to find out that it's not the vision, it's not the vision at all. It's the groping. It's the groping, it's the yearning, it's the moving forward. I was so fixated on that flying cow that when Ed told me Monty Python already painted that picture, I thought I was through. I had to let go of that cow so I could see all the other possibilities. Anyway, I want to thank Maurice for helping me to let go of that cow. Thank you Maurice for playing Apollo to my Dionysus in art's Cartesian dialectic. And thanks to you, Ed, cause the truth shall set us free! And Maggie, thank you for sharing in the destruction of your house so that today we could have something to fling. I think Kierkegaard said it oh so well, 'The self is only that which it's in the process of becoming.' Art? Same thing. James Joyce had something to say about it too. 'Welcome, Oh Life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience, and to forge in the smythe of my soul the uncreated conscious of my race.' We're here today to fling something that bubbled up from the collective unconsciousness of our community. Ed, you about ready? The thing I learned folks, this is absolutely key: It's not the thing you fling. It's the fling itself. Let's fling something, Cicely! (Chris flings the piano) ("The self...becoming", ??, Kierkegaard) ("Welcome...race", A Portrait of The Artist As a Young Man, James Joyce)

3.15 Democracy in America Quotes ------ Friends, Romans, registered voters, lend me your ears. Holling Vincouer has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by Edna Hancock. We have a moyorality race folks, to which I can only add, Alea jacta est, the die is cast, the battle is joined. Hold on to your hats, Cicely. We're about to bear witness to that sacred rite when each and every one of us become acolytes before the altar of the ballot box, our secular shrine. Fellow Cicelians, my heart is pounding, dancing to the drum of a free people, a city on a hill, E Pluribus Unum. I feel at one with Whitman, shepherd of the great unwashed, "O Democracy! Near at hand to you a throat is now inflating itself and joyfully singing." (Chris in the morning) ("O Democracy...singing", Leaves of Grass (Starting from Paumanok, 12), Walt Whitman) Ed, try to figure out which one is least likely to become an unprincipled sleaze bucket. (Maggie advises Ed on how to vote) Do you realize how many Republicans live on the Upper West Side? Yeah, you're looking at him. (Joel to Maggie) You're a self-serving materialistic pig! A self-serving Republican pig. Thank you very much. (Maggie and Joel) I can't believe the amount of time and energy being wasted on a two-bit election over a two-bit issue in a two-bit town. How many bits is that? (Joel to Ruth-Anne) Another deep thought from a woman who thinks an election should be conducted like a fashion layout. (Joel and Maggie prepare for the election) My friends, today when I look out over Cicely, I see not a town, but a nation's history written in miniature. Inscribed in the cracked pavement, reverberating from every passing flatbed. Today, every runny nose I see says "America" to me. We were outcasts, scum, the wretched debris of a hostile, aging world. We came here, we paved roads, we built industries, powerful institutions. Of course, along the way we exterminated untold indigenous cultures and enslaved generations of Africans. We basically stained our Star-Spangled Banner with a host of sins that can never be washed clean. But today, we're here to celebrate the glorious aspects of our past. A tribute to a nation of free people, the country that Whitman exalted. "The genius of the United States has not best or most in its executives or legislators, nor in its ambassadors or authors, or colleges or churches, or parlors, nor even in its newspapers or inventors, but always most in the common people." I've never been so proud to be a Cicelian. I must now go out and fill my lungs with the deep clean air of democracy. (Chris in the morning) ("The genius...people.", ??, Walt Whitman) The idea of an election is much more interesting to me than the election itself...The act of voting is in itself the defining moment. (Chris to Ed) Shelly, pull yourself together. I can't think about sex with a bar full of registered voters! (Holling to Shelly) I was wondering if the candidates saw the stop sign as a Jeffersonian or Hamiltonian expression of democracy in action. What kind of stupid question is that? SIT! (Townsperson and Ruth-Anne at the debate) Chris, did you have a question? Actually, what I had in mind are some lines from Basho: On a withered branch, a crow has alighted like fallen autumn. (Chris, quoting Basho) Ed, we just witnessed a peaceful transition in government. Do you realize how miraculous that is?...Today, tiny Cicely, Alaska, stood up and put another W in the win category for democracy. (Chris to Ed) 87% turnout. What's happening to us? Why didn't they stay home!? (Maurice to Halling, lamenting the election) We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break the bonds of our affection." Lincoln's words to a divided nation, my council to a divided Cicely. Final words tonight belong to Thomas Jefferson, third president of these United States who gave us this to chew on, "Sometimes it is said that a man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he then be trusted with the government of others or have we found angels in the forms of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question". (Chris on the air)

3.16 The Three Amigos Storyline --------- Holling and Maurice bury Bill Planey. Quotes ------ As Bill used to say: "You don't get cold in the bush. You're either warm or you're dead." (Holling) There they go into the last great gasp of the wilderness known as Alaska. We all have our own relationship with the wild. Out there or in here, in our hearts, in our souls. Wheeling, West Virginia, 1983. I'm in the joint, prison library, working my way backward from Z. Stendahl, Proust, I'm in the L's and eureka, baby! Jack London, my main man. If Whitman gave me poetry, then Mr. London took me to a place inside me I didn't know existed but recognized instantly, like I'd been heading there all my lost life. There was Buck, big civilized mutt from the south land, slapped down in the frigid north to redefine himself for what he really was. I was Buck, Buck was I, Buck is us. (Chris, preparing to read "Call of the Wild") Wild to tame, tame to wild, either or. Point is, Shelly, both of those dogs got to go out in the world and see both sides. Once they knew that, who they were, they could live here, there, anywhere. (Chris to Shelly, about Buck and White Fang) It's so quiet you can hear the smoke rise...stars so close, feels like you could taste them. (Holling to Maurice, camping out) Holling Vincoeur, you've got a fine behind. (Solvane comes on to Holling) I didn't crawl in here to chat, Maurice. Give me a kiss! (Solvane comes on to Maurice) You two are nothing but a couple of dried-up peas in a pod. (Solvane, after rejection) The man could skin a ten-point buck faster than most could tie their shoes. No point in living in the past. Let's go. Amen. (Holling offers a eulogy of Bill) There's a fine line between the wild and the tame, between Alaska and us. Me, I gotta have my music and my books. No matter how urbane we humans become, something in us still longs for the virgin forest. (Chris) What I time we had. Splashed through bogs, ate like hogs, slept like logs. I'm glad you still dig doing the wild thing, babe. You are? Oh yeah. Truth is, I was afraid you were getting too domestically weird on me. (Holling to Shelly, after his trip)

3.17 Lost and Found Storylines ---------- Joel's cabin is haunted. Maurice's Colonel pays a disappointing visit. Eve discovers she is pregnant. Quotes ------ Life here is so elemental. So real. Without the interference of civilization you can really experience things like,...silence. Silence and darkness in its purity. Right now, right outside my window all I can see is a black void. Endless darkness. It's totally exhilarating, and I feel very lucky to be here. Very, very lucky. (Joel writes a letter to a NY friend) Time for the weather report. It's cold out folks. Bonecrushing cold. The kind of cold which will wrench the spirit out of a young man, or forge it into steel. (Chris on the air) Should I renew _The New Yorker_? Yeah, absolutely. Four years? Don't start. Three. Uh uh. Four. Not 4, nowhere near 4. Three years, 8 months, 22 days and 15 hours. (Marilyn and Joel) You are the Mozart of hypochondriacs! I NEED a doctor! Yeah, you do. A psychiatrist. (Joel to Eve) I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a complete physical, head to toe, then you leave and never darken my doorstep again. Blood gasses? Blood gasses. Cholesterol infraction? I'll even throw in an EEG. Deal. (Joel and Eve) Joel Fleischman, a rational, over-educated New York doctor is implying an encounter with the supernatural? (Maggie reacts to Joel's fear) There was no choice! You either slept in a ghost-infested cabin or you slept outside! (Maggie to Joel) You know about this guy Jack? Uh huh. When I asked you yesterday, you acted like you had no idea what I was talking about. I didn't want to scare you. Oh, thank you, Marilyn. Thank you so much. (Joel and Marilyn about Jack) Six strong young men with sledgehammers and MEL'S GUNS and AMMO quickly becoming just a memory. Ask this brick. Who carted you here. Who stacked you one on top of the other, joined you with mortar. The brick won't talk. The builder remains anonymous like those unsigned cathedrals of Europe. See, this ediface was not built for an architect's glory. It was built with a vision in mind, a vision we call Cicely, Alaska. Are we less without mouths? Maybe not. You see, cities, countries, buildings--they all have a life cycle just like us humans. They come and they go. They're just sticks and stones. The spirit that infuses them, that's what really counts. As far as I'm concerned, the vision remains. (Chris on the demolition of a store) Generally, I like the Swiss Lemon Maalox. It's tart, light, nice chilled. Personally, I prefer Mylanta. Mylanta definitely has it's place! It's unpretentious, simple, very consistent; goes beautifully with decongestants. (Eve to Ruth Anne) They called it the "Bearded Nail" in those days. Oh yeah? Why'd they call it that? I have NO idea. (Joel and Ruth Anne discuss the former "Brick") In ancient Greece and Rome, the community, the city was everything, the whole enchilada. You had no identity without it. You piss-off the powers that be and you got the boot. The big E. Exile. Persona non grata. You take Oedipus, that unlucky fellow who killed his father and married his mother. They string him up? Did they slit his throat? No way. Check it out: "Let him flee nor ever approach the temples. Let no citizen speak to or receive him. Let no one admit him to the prayers or sacrifices. Let no one offer the lustral waters." Hmm. You talk about a cold shoulder. Brr. They call that capital punishment. (Chris on the air) Don't tell me he's only human. I've got all the humans I can use. (Maurice to Joel, describing the Colonel) As you know, we've enjoyed a rewarding doctor-patient relationship. I can honestly say that I found you to be a first-rate internist. Thank you. You're just not qualified to be my obstetrician. (Eve & Joel) Thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers for that penetrating analysis. (Joel to Maggie's insight that he's Jack) You live alone, he lived alone. You're anti-social, he was anti-social. He had no friends, you... (Maggie about Joel and Jack) Face it Fleischman, you've made it very clear from the beginning that you were just passing through. You've done everything you can to keep people at arm's length. You know that calendar of yours--I've seen it. You mark off each day with a big black X. You haven't even unpacked. If a rock hit you tomorrow, we would shake our heads, toast your memory, but then Maurice would just buy another doctor. (Maggie to Joel) Pondering this here phenomenon we call Cicely, Alaska, you might ask yourself, Where do cities come from in the first place? Well, like most things, from an idea. You see our ancestors had the notion that the dead weren't really dead, they just kept on boogieing on underground. So to make sure the dead had a regular supply of chow and vino they put feed times on the calendar. Presto, we had rituals, festivals, religions. Now you take some families and you give them the same religion, you got a tribe. A few tribes, what do you got? Athens. Thebes. Rome. It's weird but true. We got cities because these ancient folks wanted to do right by the dead. It's no accident that the church and the graveyard stand side by side. The city of the dead sleeps encircled by the city of the living. (Chris on the air) You know Fleischman this is really out of character. How's that? Well, you know, Joel Fleischman having a party, making the slightest effort to be a social human being...What are we supposed to infer from this Fleischman, that maybe you're actually starting to like it here? Not at all, I still detest this gross place. I think of it like a prison. It's a terrible, dreadful place, but you might meet some nice people. (Maggie & Joel) It changes everything. The ego falls away and you stop worrying about yourself. You just focus on the baby. You think, "This person inside me, what will she be like? Will she be asmatic, will she pronate, will she have her father's malaclusion. It's all such a glorious mystery. (Eve to Shelly and friends, on being pregnant) We all share a common fate. They gathered around their hearths, their sacred fires, not just to remember those who had gone before, but to comfort each other in the face of their own inevitable journey. Mister Einstein put it like this, "Strange is our situation here upon Earth. However, there is one thing that we do know, that man is here for the sake of other men, above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy." Good night Cicely. (Chris) ("Strange...sympathy.", ??, Albert Einstein)

3.18 My Mother, My Sister Storylines ---------- Baby G is abandoned in Joel's office. Adam exhibits symptoms of pregnancy. Shelly's Mom visits town. Quotes ------ What kind of a person would abandon a baby like this? Oh, my parents. Oh yeah. Right. Sorry. (Joel sticks his foot in his mouth, speaking to Ed) These ingredients are modulated to create a perfect harmony and you come waltzing in here like some tone-deaf, low-life, Elvis impersonator throwing a B-flat into the middle of my A-sharp major concerto, and all you can say is, "I'm sorry"?!? (Adam yells at Dave for substituting bacon for pancetta) Meanwhile, people, we got a baby with no name. Does that matter? Not really. It's like Goethe said, "You are, when all is said and done, just what you are." Maybe, on the other hand, it does. Why have we been assigning monikers since the beginning of language? In the beginning was the word. Who would Yours Truly be if I were Mike-in-the-morning? Probably doing drive time in Secaucus. John the Baptist, would he have lost his head if he were Steve? I don't think so. So why don't we name this little one then? It's got a "G" on the front of her outfit. It's a place to start. A trip to Nome for the best suggestion. It's like Lord Byron said, "Thrice happy he who's name has been well spelt." (Chris on the air, holding Baby G) ("Thrice...spelt.", Don Juan, Canto 8, Stanza 18; George Byron) Shelly's mother is an expert dancer. Pleasing sense of rhythm. Very nice shape, too. Very nice. You know, I don't recall anybody's mother looking like that in my day, do you? No sir. (Maurice and Holling watch Tammy dance) Put your eyes back in your sockets, Maurice. Shelly, I'm just admiring your mother's EXPERTISE on the dance floor. (Shelly to Maurice) You may be a borderline personality with enough pathologies to build a D.S.M., but you can COOK! (Joel to Adam) Nice? What do you mean by nice? Define your terms! I don't know, it's just that whenever I've initiated conversations before, especially about your cooking, you usually reach for a sharp object and threaten to kill me. I do, don't I? (Adam to Joel) It's like more of a light-headedness... What? Dizzy? No, not dizzy so much. It's like... Congested? No...no...it's like I'm...I'm HAPPY!. Happy? (Adam to Joel) Let's take a minute to stop and smell the soft spot, shall we? Bill Shakespeare says, "What's in a name?" But you tell THAT to Juliette. Gertrude, Spear-maiden, bearer of the slain souls of the warriors of Valhalla. It's a heavy burden for a small package, don't you think? Gilda, now that's interesting. Servant of God. No pressure there on a modern young woman? (Chris reads listeners' cards) Good morning, Adam. Can I help you with something? It is, isn't it? It's what? A good morning. (Ruth-Ann and a cheery Adam) A baby, huh? Look at that. Ten fingers and two little feet and just sort of lies there and what, looks around, is that it? Pretty much. (Adam and Ruth Anne watch Baby G) Oh, and you have a letter from Eve. Well, Hallelujah! My better half. My oh-so obsessively pregnant beloved has taken time to unplug herself from the ultrasound machine and send me a fax. (Ruth Anne and Adam) Sometimes, men, to mask the anxiety they have over their mates' pregnancy, will displace the feelings with physical manifestations of pregnancy itself. Yeah, or they relieve their anxiety by tearing out the throats of two-bit quacks expounding psychobabble just to hear themselves talk! Hey, it's just a hunch. (Joel diagnoses Adam) I was thinking about this name thing and old Mr. Anonymous once said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." Why then did Friedrich Osterliz change his moniker to Fred Astaire? Gregory Newfkaught to Rasputen? Would Dada have Dada'ed by Emmanuel Runinsky and not Man Ray? James Jule Osterberg, would he roll or rock like Iggy Pop? What about Sid Vicious? Would his candle have gone out at 22 if he had gone by John Ritchie? Food for thought. Chow down, Cicely. (Chris) This is a crucial year for you. Your little taste buds are developing. Now is it going to be white bread and bologna with the paint-by number crowd, or are you going to fill your palette with the more complex colors? (Adam feeds Baby G) Sounds like second trimester happy hormones to me. What happens during the 3rd trimester? Hemorrhoids, heartburn, lower back pain, swollen ankles, shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, brittle fingernails. I'd enjoy it while you can. (Joel advises Adam on his symptoms) I've discovered that I'm more than just the greatest chef in the world. I am also a husband and soon a father. A breadwinner, a teacher! An example. (Adam to Joel) As Baby G came to us, today she also left. Come to find out the little "G" on here suit? A hand-me-down from brother George. "Barbara" comes from the Greek meaning stranger. She came to us a stranger, but she left with another name, Friend. A lot of dichotomy in such a small package. What's the need to name but the need to claim a thing, make it your own. Angel Baily, 6th grade, rose tattoo on her shoulder, gravity switchblade. How many times did I write here name in the margins of my notebook, over every page of every textbook? Angel loves Chris, Chris loves Angel. They didn't have grafitti then, but if they did, I'd have tagged every bus and bridge in Wheeling, West Virginia. What's in a name? In the case of Angel, volumes. (Chris) One of the three legs that hold up love's stool: Sex, liking his brain, then kind of accepting who he is because you're not going to change him anyway. (Shelly to Holling, about Kenny)

3.19 Wake-Up Call Music ----- 1. Bailero, Fredrica von Staade (Maggie and Arthur dance in the cave) 2. Coolin Medley, The Chieftans. (Closing credits) Quotes ------ Greetings, Cicely, on this most exceedingly beautiful spring morning. A morning swollen with new life, a morning on which, if I had the voice, I would let loose with song. It's hard to believe just a few short weeks ago we were eating our cornflakes in the wintery dark. Now, well it's still kind of dim our there, but I can see the golden glow of Apollo's chariot waiting in the wings, about to make its entrance. Winter's on the lam, no doubt. (Chris in the morning) You asked me when I was playing Game Boy? You said 'yes'. I was playing Game Boy. I wasn't listening. I would have said 'yes' to anything ... to gum surgery. You said 'yes'. (Joel to Marilyn, about asking permission for Leonard to visit) Listen, Cicely, can you hear it? Spring's sweet cantata. The strains of grass pushing through the snow. The song of buds swelling on the vine. The tender timpani of a baby robin's heart. Spring. Spring, spring, spring. Naturally, this man's fancy turns to thoughts of death. Not death in the 'That's all folks' kind of death, but death in the cyclical sense. Like high tide, low tide, sunrise, sunset, you know that kind of thing. Bears, which we've all had on our minds lately, they really say it all. You know, their death-like sleep in the sepulcher of the cave, followed by their awakening rebirth. Death and resurrection, something bears and deities have in common. Point of fact: in many cultures, bears themselves were considered gods. Sixty thousand years ago, way before Mithra, before the burning bush, before Christ, Buddha, who do you think our Neolithic brothers lie prostrate to? Bears. Keep it covered guys, they're out there. (Chris in the morning) God! What's happening to me? I look like Swamp Thing! (Shelly sees her skin peeling) Shelly seems pretty well-adjusted. She makes good eye-contact. How does she get along with animals? (Leonard to Joel, after Shelly's visit to the office) Next! NEXT! Come on, Marilyn! There is no next. (Joel and Marilyn in the office) I know bears. It might not be food he's looking for. No? What would he be looking for? Might be you. (Arthur and Maggie) You're saying this bear might have a crush on me? I certainly wouldn't fault him if he did. (Maggie and Arthur) How could you in good conscience tell a person they're sloughing their skin like a boa constrictor?!? I could be wrong. (Joel to Leonard, on diagnosing Shelly) Joel, let's not kid ourselves. Whatever we diagnose, most patients, if they don't die, get well by themselves. Our job is mainly to try to make them feel better; do no harm. (Leonard to Joel) Ever read Stanislovsky? Cardiologist? Acting teacher. He said there are no small parts, only small actors. What does this have to do with anything? You're bored because you're boring. What? You're boring. I'm boring?!? You're one of the most boring people I've ever met....Now you're angry. Yeah. Yeah, I'm angry! Good. See, that's not boring. (Leonard slips in a diagnosis of Joel) Let's take a look back at those great cave bears of old and talk about a very special birth. About the same time our Cro-Magnon ancestors started burying themselves, they started doing the same thing with bears. What's that mean, what your you trying to say, Stevens? I'm talking about the big bang of the human psyche, the recognition of death. We saw death and we did what no other animal had done before: we dealt with it. We hit on the idea that death wasn't an end, it was a passage. That's why we gave Mr. Bear and proper burial, so he wouldn't come back mad. Trying to make sense of the unknowable, what Joseph Campbell calls the awakening of awe. "That awakening to the mystery of death and therewith of life, which, more than physical transformation, elevated man above the level of beasts." That blessed event I talked about? Birth of the human spirit. (Chris reads from "A Joseph Campbell Companion") Chuck spent a month in the infirmary after being stabbed in the lung. When he came back to the prison laundry where we both worked, Chuck said to me, "Chris, live every day like it might be your last." That's a tired old chestnut, but try roasting it like this: It ought to be spring every day. Every day we ought to wake up brand new. "Ah! Up then from the ground sprang I And hailed the earth with such a cry As is not heard save from a man Who has been dead, and lives again. About the trees my arms I wound; Like one gone mad I hugged the ground; I raised my quivering arms on high; I laughed and laughed into the sky." (Chris reads from "Renascence", by Edna St. Vincent Milay)

3.20 The Final Frontier Music ----- 1. Enya: Carribean Blue (Shepherd Moons) (Closing scenes) Quotes ------ "We returned from the pole to Cape Columbia in only 16 days. The exhilaration of success lent wings to our sorely battered feet. But Ootah had his own explanation. Said he, 'the devil is asleep or having trouble with his wife or we should not have come back so easily.'" Why the Robert Peary, you ask? Well, got a bulletin here from our friends at J.P.L. Seems Earth's happy pilgrim, the Voyager 1 spacecraft, now 7.2 billion kilometers from home, is passing through the heliopause, zipping out of our solar system and into the bosom of the Milky Way. Good luck and godspeed to you, our noble emissary. It's a trip we earth-bound stargazers would all love to take. (Chris in the morning, reading from "The North Pole" by Robert Peary) I always thought Jessie would go like Butch & Sundance. Hail of gunfire, freeze frame, and roll the credits. (Ed to Holling, on the death of Jessie) Jessie's twice the man you are and he's a bear. (Holling to a customer) Paddle To The Sea, folks, the story of an Indian boy who sent a toy canoe on a journey he himself was too young to take. We do the same thing, you know. Voyager, Pioneer, Galileo: our standard bearers in the eternal human crusade; exploration. And now we've he the cosmic trail. Why? Old Earth's played out. Less than a hundred years ago, Amundsen could be the first human being to reach the south pole, and Falcon Scott could die trying. Now? Well, last year China had to close Mount Everest. Too much litter. The world's become a fragile place--not to be conquered, but to be protected, coddled, nursed like a baby. (Chris on the air, reading "Paddle to the Sea", by Holling) Fleischman, you are just not human! Humans have inquiring minds and a thirst to know! You're just a thing! A rock! A shoe! A two-by-four! A person with absolutely no imagination and curiosity! (Maggie to Joel, on opening the package) There are probably some folks out there who're saying, "I'm never going to have a rush like that. Earth's a parking lot and outer space is just too pricey." Well, let me tell you, there are lots of ways to blaze a trail. I often wonder about those unsung heros of the past, like the prehistoric gourmet who looked at a lobster and said, "I'm going to eat that." Or the first healer who picked up a knife and said, "Let's operate, boys" See, adventures come in lots of shapes and sizes, from getting a haircut to falling in love. Just putting yourself behind the wheel and backing out of the driveway--well that can be a sublime act of faith as well as a monumental act of courage. (Chris on the air) Since Maurice couldn't be here tonight, and since the mayor's out of town and the former mayor's out doing some GUY thing, which he better not ding himself doing; me, being the former mayor's almost-wife, was asked to honcho this get together! (Shelly opens the town meeting) I mean don't get me wrong! I don't believe in blind obedience to the law! In my time, I've ignored stop signs, I've jaywalked, I've had open fires on Jones Beach. But this...this is the U.S. Mail. And since I was old enough to lick a stamp, I was taught that it's a sin to so much as to hold someone's letter up to the light! I was inculcated with the sanctity, the inviolability of the mail. (Joel at the town meeting) Those postmarks are just a little bit more than bureaucratic hieroglyphics. That's a symbol of a most sacred trust. That package has been anointed and sealed. It's like King Tut's tomb, we open it at great personal risk. (Chris) The bane and blessing of human nature. That old cat killer, curiosity. Something so deeply embedded in our psyches that it screams to us from ancient myths of Pandora. Eve. Lot's wife. Eve lost paradise, Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt. Knowledge doesn't come cheap my friend. Good or bad, curiosity is woven into our DNA like tonsils or like the opposable thumb. It's the fire under the ass of the human experience! (Chris and Joel debate at the town meeting. Some people look at this box, they see a box. You know what I see? The spice route to India. The gateway to the Nile. I see the dark side of the moon. Terra incognito. I see Alaska, people. So, what do you say? Let's be a little human! (Chris has the last say at the town meeting) The Aurora Borealis becomes very visible around 10:30. So? That's why they come. What? To look at the Aurora Borealis? Not to look at it, no. To copulate under it. (Ron and Eric to Maurice, why the guests were leaving) Are you saying that they're upstairs off having sexual intercourse? We assumed you knew. Right now they're upstairs...? Pumpin' like pistons. (Maurice, Ron, and Eric) If some of our GM executives had been conceived under the Aurora Borealis, we wouldn't be in the trouble we're in today. (Maurice to Ron and Eric) Yes, Jesse's in the cave. He's also high on the mountaintop, deep under the ocean, way out there in outerspace. Boy, oh boy, he sure gets around. Yes, he does. No telling where you'll find Jesse. In the closet. In the dark at the top of the stairs. Under the bed. He's always somewhere. All we've got to do is gird our loins and go out looking for him. (Holling to Shelly, after his search for Jessie) "For that instant he looked like his own paddle. There was a song in his heart; it crept to his lips, but only the water and the wind could hear. You little traveler, you made the journey, the long journey. You now know things that I have yet to know, little traveler. You are given a name, a true name in my father's lodge. Good medicine, little traveler you are truly a paddle person. A paddle to the sea." There you have it folks. I'd like to play this song for Richard McWilliams and to the curious child who lives within each and every one of us. (Chris reads from "Paddle to the Sea") You were a bear. You were a great big bear. You were wild and you were free. Godspeed, Jesse. (Holling eulogizes Jessie)

3.21 It Happened In Juneau Storylines ---------- Chris's voice becomes untracked. Maggie and Joel travel to Juneau. Music ----- 1. Toy Cows (Chris and Bernard share a dream) Quotes ------ I'm sorry, people, I seem to be problems. I...I seem to be blems getting the words out...technical difficulties? (Chris in the Morning) For the next three days, I'm going to be surrounded by colleagues. Physicians like myself. Many of whom, if demographics hold, will be under 35 and female and single. It will be like shooting ducks in a barrel, bees to honey, moths to a flame. (Joel to Marilyn, about his trip to Juneau) Women flock to pediatrics, Marilyn. It's the nurturing thing, you know. Geriatrics, physical therapy, but pediatricians, man, they're the best. They worry most about their physical appearance. (Joel to Marilyn) It's a fact, Marilyn, that within a very small range of error you can predict a M.D.'s entire personality based upon his or her field of specialization. Orthopedists are butchers, hammer and nail guys. Radiologists, country clubbers. Gas passers tend not to speak English, but female pediatricians fall somewhere between Jane Fonda and candy stripers in heat. (Joel to Marilyn) Bernard, natural very on you looks! What mean I is, very looks natural you on, Bernard! (Chris welcomes Bernard) You know, I'm in such a good mood, O'Connell, that not even you can spoil it. As soon as Red gets here, I'm winging off for three days of Nirvana, 72 hours of freedom. An entire weekend to forget all about this place and concentrate on nothing but seminars and sin. (Joel to Maggie) What am I saying? It's just a plane ride. As soon as we get to Juneau life begins again. There's no O'Connell there. I don't know you. I never met you. You don't exist. As far as I'm concerned you're just an anonymous bush pilot whose life is of absolutely no consequence to me. (Joel to Maggie) Well, it's possible that after all these years and all those words you just need to get retracked. Like reformatting a hard disk. Error messages on your C: drive. It's interesting. Very. (Bernard and Chris, on Chris's speech problem) You're going to die. What?! You're going to die. When?! Why?! You smoke too much. (Marilyn diagnoses her first patient) Well, you're in luck. The manager has agreed to put you and Mrs. Fleischman in our suite. Whoa! I am NOT Mrs. Fleischman. Ah well, we don't pry into the affairs of our guests. What she means is that we're not together. I mean not in the together sense of together. We might have come here together, but we're not an item. I mean we're barely even friends. (Hotel clerk, Maggie, Joel in Juneau) Are you delirious? This is my weekend, mine OK? This is my chance to get away from Cicely and meet some other people. Some girls. To have sex with strangers. (Joel to Maggie) Are you seriously going to refuse me a place to sleep? Are you that shallow? Are you that incredibly small of a human being? (Maggie to Joel) As you may know, I spent the last three months in Africa. A wondrous, magical place. But as shadows lengthen across the KBHR window, thoughts turn to homecoming. Journey's end. Because in a sense, it's the coming back, the return which gives meaning to the going forth. We really don't know where we've been until we've come back to where we were. Only, where we were may not be as it was because of who we've become. Which is, after all, why we left. (Bernard on the air, filling in for Chris) Bag all the bimbos you want, Fleischman. It's not a sight I care to see. Look, I would hardly call an aggregate of highly trained professional women, bimbos. Sluts then? They're doctors, O'Connell. Skilled specialists. Doctors, you know. (Maggie to Joel) Don't you find this mating dance a bore? A what? The small talk. The feigned interest in careers? When all anybody wants to do is get into somebody's pants. Excuse me? Coupling and uncoupling. That's the real agenda of any conference. (Linda makes a pass at Joel) What do you really like, Joel? What do you like? Do your like it rough, Joel? Rough is good, Joel. Rough is fine. Nothing phases me. Oh...um...you know, it's time for my insulin. Insulin? We'll talk later. (Joel dodges the pass) I've seen it before, Joel. You can talk the talk, but you can't walk the walk. I know, your mother gave you baths until high school or maybe it was some traumatic experience during potty training. Look, baby, it's not that I don't find dysfunction a challenge, I do. But, it's work, Joel. It's work. I didn't come here to work. (Linda to Joel) Hey Fleischman! You're a boxer man! I always had you pictured as the jockey type! (Maggie comes back to the room late) O'Connell, the only interest I may have in what you do between the sheets is strictly clinical. Clinical? Yes, naturally as your physician, I'm concerned that you take proper precautions to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, which I assume you did. Nice try, Fleischman, but you're not going to use the public service announcement to find out if I scored last night. Hard as this is to believe, O'Connell, I don't spend my nights wondering whether you've improved your personal batting average or not. What you do behind closed doors is your own business. (Joel and Maggie have breakfast) Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon. (Chris on the air) You think my brain's on tilt from ant bomb? What'll I do? Don't leave food around. (Shelly sees "Doctor" Marilyn) Not available, huh? I just had this family practice guy up in my room, says he's not married, right? I unhook my bra, he starts to cry. (Linda still chasing Joel) Look, Joel, we can run up to my room right now, do the deed, and both get a good night's sleep. I can iron those wrinkles out of your forehead. (Linda to Joel) O'Connell, is this the effects of 36 hours of sleep deprivation? Do you care? No, do you? Wait, stop. We better figure this out. Why? Because. Are you sure about this? Fleischman, we're both over 21, single, free, H.I.V. negative...aren't we? Yeah, but... Then shut up, Fleischman. For once in your life, just shut up. (Joel and Maggie) Hold that thought. All right. We'll meet back where? In the middle. Fine. In the middle of whose room? Your room? My room? In the bed. The middle of the bed. Fine. Whose bed? Just find me, Fleischman. (Maggie and Joel go after each other) So! So! Yeah, last night. What about last night? Yeah, well, uh, well, it was interesting. Unbelievable is more like it. Unbelievable? Well, yeah. Incredible. Right. What, you've done that before? No, no, of course not. I mean, you know, not like that. It was... different and special. Special? Well, what I mean is it was, ...it was great. I mean it was fabulous. You were great. I never felt so great. I was great? Yeah. It was everything I ever dreamed of and more. Much much more. How was I? Well. You. Honestly? Not bad. That's it? Not bad. Not bad being the first time and all. I disappointed you didn't I. Well... Tell me, I can handle it. Well, I don't want you to take this personally, O'Connell, but I kind of hoped you'd have moved more. Moved more? Really? Me? I didn't move? Well, I was tired. Still, I mean, it was interesting. Interesting? Yeah, the thing with the ... What thing? You don't remember? You're telling me you don't remember? No, I remember. Well, I hope so. I remember. I just, uh, I just, well, I think I'm going to go pack. (Maggie to Joel, the morning after) All right ladies and gentlemen I'm back. That's right, Chris in the morning is once again Chris in the morning. Mind and body are one, all systems go. Mensana incorporae sanno. To which I can only add, mirabli dictu. I'll second that. Ladies and gentlemen, that's my brother Bernard, my karmic doppelganger, my buddy, my twin who pulled me out of my times of trouble. (Chris and Bernard) In dreams begin responsibilities, so wrote the poet. So it is perhaps. Could it be we take our dreams too lightly, those images from places unknown? Could they in fact be angels in flight, our souls aloft? You know, recent experiences have made yours truly take another pass through the metaphysical thickets. As unlikely as it may sound in this rational age, I emerged on the side of those that cannot help but put their faith in that which cannot be easily explained. Be open to your dreams people. Embrace that distant shore. Cause our mortal journey is over all too soon. "Those cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, the solemn temples. The great globe itself. Yea all which you inherit shall dissolve and like this insubstantial pageant faded. Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff as dreams are made on and our little life is rounded with asleep." (Chris muses and reads from "The Tempest", Act IV)

3.22 Our Wedding Adam and Eve are married. Music ----- 1. The Four Seasons, Vivaldi (The wedding shower) Quotes ------ I'm a man, Fleischman. We are born with an image of woman imprinted on our psyches. We spend our whole lives searching for the embodiment of that female archetype. And there she sits! In the flesh! You tell me what man could resist the fantasy of having her as his wife? (Adam about Eve) Pussy said to owl... (Chris reads from "The Owl and the Pussycat") Eve, this is the heaviest day of your life! You can't just shine it on! Even if you don't have any friends, you have to have a maid of honor! (Shelly gives wedding advice to Eve) Shame on you! The poor woman can't even look you in the eye. What were you thinking? What are you talking about? I understand. You were out of town. You felt free, unencumbered, but did you have to sleep with her? Who told you that? Adam. Adam? How did Adam know? (Eve and Joel discuss Joel's trip to Juneau with Maggie) You're a man. And what? That means I'm immediately guilty of something? Yes. (Marilyn and Joel) I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want one of those quicky, hang loose, I'm OK, you're OK weddings. I want tradition. I want ritual. I want to FEEL married. (Adam to Chris, on the wedding) Where am I? A commune? A love-in? What we're retro-counter culture all of a sudden? Need I remind you that the social experiments of the 60's and 70's were an abject failure. They left them spiritually bankrupt! Empty! Alienated! (Adam) I happen to be Christian Scientist! Christian Scientist! You're the poster child for the A.M.A.! I am a reformed Christian Scientist!! He's a Quaker. (Adam and Eve discuss religion with Chris) This is a part of a much larger issue! My identity! Do you know how hard it is for a woman in this society to earn recognition on her own? To be respected as competent and independent? And then to throw it all out the window by getting married! By allowing herself to be consumed by some hirsute man!! (Eve) All right, all right, all right! I'll convert. You will?! Do you have any Mary Baker Eddy? (Adam capitulates to Eve and then asks Chris for spiritual guidance) This shower's just got to be the most totally, perfect, bitchin' thing. I mean, a babe, you know, she spends her whole life just waiting for this. The big M. Holy matrimony. When you're a little kid, you watch everybody's older sister get hitched and you think, GOD when is it going to be my turn? When am I going to get to walk down that aisle? Be queen for a day. Everybody saying how hot you look and your mom crying. And your squeeze standing there in a powder blue tux looking all cute and scared. And then those words. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." (Shelly) How could you not sleep with me!!! (Maggie to Joel) Crowds. Qui-nhon, 1968. Mama-san walked into the bar peddling cigarettes. Nobody paid her much attention, that is, until she pulled a fragmentation grenade out of her basket. By then it was too late. Oh. Piece of advice, my friend. In a room like this, you keep your back to the wall, your eyes on the door. Thanks. (Adam and Ed at the bachelor party) You're in pain, Vincouer. I can help. You need an adjustment. A what? Chiropractic, and don't give me the A.M.A. big line. They'll tell you anything to protect their little monopoly. (Adam and Holling) It's a symbiotic relationship. You cannot separate the mind from the body. The root cause is psychosomatic, but the pathology is real. What are you talking about? Oh, you need laymen terms. I'll give it to you in one word, my friend, guilt. You dumped Shelly at the altar and now you can never forgive yourself. (Adam and Holling about Holling's neck) I don't understand people like you, Vincouer. Despite everything I've achieved in my life, the culinary awards, the military commendations, the honorary degrees, I have never, ever lost sight of what's truly important. The thing that gives meaning to these triumphs. Someone to share them with. A companion. A help mate. A wife. I'm counting the minutes, the seconds until the moment when I slip that ring on Eve's finger. (Adam, to Holling) A lot of strange things about women. Amen to that. They give you every indication that they want you to do one thing when in fact, they want you to do just the opposite. And the topper is, that they get mad if you don't know that. Women have a very difficult time understanding that men are simpler creatures. Simpler. Simpler, because we're not wildly irrational? Look at it this way. For the most part, men are ruled by two things: their penis and their stomach. Now, those are concrete, tangible things. With women the situation gets much murkier. They're motivated by all that right brain emotional stuff. Love, hate, rage. (Joel and Maurice) We didn't do anything! Yes we did. We did the most important part, the 'want' part. (Maggie changes her mind about sex, midway into the act) What are man and woman if not members of two very different and warring tribes? Yet decade after decade, century after century, they attempt in marriage to reconcile and forge a union. Why? I don't know. Biological imperative? Divine law? Or just a desire to connect to that mysterious other? In any case, it's always struck me as a hopeful thing. (Bernard on marriage) Where are your shoes? You think I didn't try?! It was torture for me! (Joel and Adam before the wedding) You live with me for 12 years. I cook for you! I give you physiotherapy! I time your medications and you don't tell me you have money?! (Adam to Eve) Why was I cursed with a woman like you? You're nothing but a misery. You're a knife in my heart! (Adam, in a moment of "bliss" with Eve) We know what my net worth is. Yeah, zippo. OK, well, what is yours? I mean, what am I signing off on here? Do I have to answer? Well, he should make an informed decision. 22 million. 22 MILLION!!! (Adam, Eve, Bernard, and Joel discuss Eve's financial situation) You must have suspected something. All the Christmas gifts my father sends. Light bulbs, automobile parts, cutlery. What do they all have in common? How should I know? Tungsten. My father mines tungsten ore. He is tungsten ore. Where do you think all the money for the trips come from? China, Switzerland, Senegal? You said that was from our frequent flier mileage! And you believed me? (Eve and Adam) I'm kind of like a fan. It's the same as hockey. I mean, you can really get off on it watching, but that doesn't mean you have to play. (Shelly on weddings) Marriage. It's a hard term to define. Especially for me--I've ducked it like root canal. Still there's no denying the fact that marriage ranks right up there with birth and death as one of the three biggies in the human safari. It's the only one though that we'll celebrate with a conscious awareness. Very few of you remember your arrival and even fewer of you will attend your own funeral. You pick a society, any society, Zuni, Nudembo, Pennsylvania Dutch. What's the one thing they all have in common? Marriage. It's like a cultural hand-rail. It links folks to the past and guides them to the future. That's not all though. Marriage is the union of disparate elements. Male and female. Yin and yang. Proton and electron. What are we talking about here? Nothing less than the very tension that binds the universe. You see, when we look at marriage, people, we're are looking at creation itself. "I am the sky," says the Hindu bridegroom to the bride. "You are the earth. We are sky and earth united.... You are my husband. You are my wife. My feet shall run because of you. My feet shall dance because of you. My heart shall beat because of you. My eyes see because of you. My mind think because of you and I shall love because of you. Now are you guys cool with that? (Chris marries Adam and Eve)

3.23 Cicely Quotes ------ You bluffed me! I don't like it when people bluff me. It makes me question my perception of reality. (Kit, at the poker table) One person can have a profound effect on another. And two people...well, two people can work miracles. They can change a whole town. They can change the world. (Ned to Joel, on Roslyn & Cicely) And out of this remarkable vehicle stepped an equally remarkable woman, Roslyn. I knew from the moment she lifted her goggles, that here was a woman who was twice the man I'd ever be. (Ned to Joel) It was then I first set eyes on Roslyn's companion, Cicely. And it was like the unveiling of Botticelli's Venus. I have never before, nor have I since, seen anyone or anything as beautiful. (Ned to Joel) There is nothing sadder in this world than the waste of human potential. The purpose of evolution is to raise us out of the mud, not have us grovelling in it. (Roslyn, to Ned in the mud) But Cicely persevered. Like a candle in the night. Like a beacon in a storm. She wasn't swayed by the darkness around her. The purity of Cicely's heart, the power of her beauty, cast a light on everybody in that room. (Ned to Joel) Men are confused. They're conflicted. They want a woman who's their intellectual equal, but they're afraid of women like that. They want a woman they can dominate, but then they hate her for being weak. It's an ambivalence that goes back to a man's relationship with his mother. Source of his life, center of his universe, object of both his fear and his love. (Roslyn to Mary, on attracting a man) For a man to love a woman, this comes naturally because of his love for his mother, but for a woman to love a man she has to transfer her natural affinity for the female to the male. It's a very difficult process and, in my experience, it usually fails. Fortunately there are alternatives. (Roslyn to Mary) If you've go a terrible toothache, one that's driving you out of your mind, you need a dentist. And you don't want one that's just hung up his shingle. No ma'am. You want a fellow who, well, a fellow who's got experience. A fellow who's pulled hundreds of teeth. Don't you? Well, yes. It's the same with me. Why would I want a gal who's just hung up her shingle? Do you really mean that? I've got a terrible heartache. And you're the only one that can fix it. (Abe to Sally) I call this one, Between Antigone: Blue jays on a log agog. Blue jays on a log agog. Brown, long log, blue jays. Blue, blue jays on the brown, long log. Agog, blue jays on the log. Blue jays, blue. Blue jays off the log. Blue jays off the long, brown log. Off, off the long, brown log. (Ned recites his poem) If you were in a burning house and there was a cat and a Rembrandt, what would you save? The cat...you would save the cat, because the cat is alive. The art is dead. It's just paint on a canvas, ink on a page. To live for art is to deny life. It's just to destroy life. (Roslyn to Mary and Kafka) Without art, the cat does not live. Without art we cannot speak of the cat, we cannot know the cat, we cannot see the cat. Without art there is no cat. (Mary to Kafka) I'm going to recite the three parts of the Hegelian dialectic, and then you are coming with me, one way or another! Thesis!! Antithesis!! Synthesis!! (Kit to Abe and Sally) In this tiny corner of Alaska, the human spirit has triumphed. We hold in our hands, the most precious gift of all: Freedom. The freedom to express our art. Our love. The freedom to be who we want to be. We are not going to give that freedom away and no one shall take it from us! (Cicely to the town meeting, on dealing with Mace) Cicely's death had a profound effect on everyone. No one could look at that fair angel and remained unmoved. A town was born that day, and without anybody saying it, we all knew it would be called...Cicely. (Ned to Joel) Mary and Kafka never did tie the knot, but they stayed together. She went back to Prague with him, and it is my understanding _The Castle_ was her idea. (Ned)

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