5.01 Three Doctors Storylines ---------- Joel develops "glacier dropsy". Ed is called to be a healer. Music ----- 1. Sweetheart, JoAnne Shenandoah and A. Paul Ortega (Ed walks beside the river in the closing shot) Quotes ------ A little reminder to those intent on signing up for the fall session of the Cicely continuing ed program, the deadline is this Friday. Let's see what's new this quarter: Lou Volpee will be teaching a course on practical rural law. Topics include Road Kill: Whose Moose Is It and the always controversial right of way, Sno Go Versus Dogsled. (Chris on the air) Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk. (Joel tries to diagnose Ed while delirious) May I speak with Neal Weisberg? DOCTOR Weisberg! I'm calling for Joel Fleischman. DOCTOR Fleischman! (Maggie calls for Joel) Flowers, that's very nice. More snake oils from O'Connel's traveling medicine chest? Pollen increases the negative ions, balances the humerus? They're JUST flowers Fleischman. They look pretty. (Joel to a caring Maggie) On the medical front, the hippocratic club has accepted a new practitioner, Cicely's own Ed Chigliak, has been accepted for membership. Kudos to you, Ed. I read something about medicine once that hit home. It goes like this, "The healer's art, at it's best, is insight wedded to compassion, and thus medicine, no less than religion, is a matter of spirit, of the figurative heart of the soul. True medicine embraces the belief that each and every one of us is important and that we are all under the canopy of heaven alike." (Chris on the air, reading from ??) Do you have ANY idea what the divorce rate among healers is? (Leonard cautions Ed about the profession) I said some pretty rough stuff to you..are you telling me you don't remember? I just decided to forget the whole thing ever happened Fleischman. What else was I going to do? I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being mad at you Fleischman. It seems that's all we ever do. So, forgetting seemed like my best option. (Joel apologizes to Maggie)

5.02 The Mystery of the Old Curio Shop Storylines ---------- Maurice tries to deny growing old. Maggie tries to be Nancy Drew. Joel tries to be as influential as an early Jew. Music ----- 1. Lindsey Buckingham: DW Suite (Go Insane) (Maurice goes skinny dipping) Quotes ------ Believe it or not, there are people in this world who on their wedding day, mean something richer, more profound than just the dreary obligation of putting on display for 200 of their closest relatives, most of whom they can't even stand! (Maggie to Joel) Excuse me, would you ladies mind postponing your trenchant literary critique so we can continue with our little medical practice here? (Joel to Maggie, Marilyn, and girl; on Nancy Drew) The owl of sleep calls out to coax you to his tree of dreams. (Marilyn translates a Tlinket lullaby for Joel) This is a Jew, 200 years ago, having this kind of influence here. It absolutely blows me away. Well, I guess you and him have something in common then. Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but point in fact, his saga is not unlike mine. I don't want to jump mega-maniacal on you here, but the corrolaries are irrefutable. (Joel to Ed, on an early Jewish settler) Take my word for it. We're dealing with a very unhappy, disfunctional family, and that is all there is to it. There is no mystery, at least not the kind you want. In real life there are no fogbound moors or clues on matchbooks or fifth columnists waiting to be unmasked. it would be nice if there were, because then there would be solutions to things in life, but it doesn't always work that way. Everyone likes a good detective story. I went through my Hammett phase in college. I think the attraction is, in life our mysteries aren't exciting. You know? They're just intractable and depressing and enervating. Like, why do we always hurt the ones we love. Where does the money go? Why can't the Russians find a way to govern themselves and let the rest of us off of this perpetual, gnawing anxiety...in a detective story, at least the universe makes sense. It was him. He did it. The natural order is disturbed, but the beauty of it is that it's restored again. (Joel to Maggie, on her "mystery") (Dashell Hammett is a noted detective writer)

5.03 Jaws of Life Storylines ---------- Maurice has himself cast in wax. Chris starts taking medicine for high blood pressure. The dentist comes to town. Quotes ------ Hi Doc Summer. Long time, no see. I see you got one in the oven. Yeah, but he doesn't have teeth yet. (Shelly avoids the dentist) Uh oh. Me, Mr. tooth decay. Well you'll do just fine Shelly. Haven't you been flossing and brushing regularly ever since he found those eight cavities last time? What do you know about it? You've never even had a measly cavity. Nobody's drilled into your pearly whites till the pain comes out your toes. That's true. The Vincour men have always been blessed with uncommonly strong chompers. (Shelly and Holling, on the arrival of the dentist) That's the whole thing with the hog. It's you and 80 wild horses under your butt, just sitting on 10 square inches where the rubber meets the road. That hurricane gale wind whipping you in the face, leaning into a curve you can feel that gravity wanting to suck you down into it and what do you do? Give it a little more gas. Pure centrifugal force. You can see yourself hurtling ass end over teakettle into oblivion. (Chris to his girl of the day) Being a modern American icon is what you pay for being you. (Maurice to himself, why he posed for the wax statue) You can't be too good to your teeth people, take it from me. They're the only ones you've got. As for myself of course, I get my teeth done once a year in Switzerland where they put you right out and you don't feel a wince of pain. I'm sure Dr. John will do you folks just fine. (Maurice on the airwaves) These little babies are going to let me live an extra 40 years. That sounds like good news to me. You don't understand. I'm not prepared to pull that kind of time on planet X, Maurice. Don't you get it? I'm Chris Stevens, man! I'm supposed to be D.O.A. at 40 like the rest of the Stevens men. That was my plan, such as it was. Now, I got all these more years and I'm facing a logistical nightmare. A what? Maurice, look, when I saw a bridge, I burned it. Parking ticket? Threw it in the gutter. A bar tab? I left town. See ya! I though, by the time this all catches up with me I'll be dead. Now I've got a TRW that looks like a rap sheet and I never even filed my taxes Maurice! (Chris to Maurice, on medication for hypertension) You know what you are Earl? You're a little, tiny, busy ant. You too, Mike. Both you guys, with your mortgages and your term life insurance and your webber kettles (??). Ant. Ant. All of you, you're all a bunch of little, busy, blind ants. All you all. Saving up for your rainy days. Scratching up your acorns for the winter. You look at me and you think, "What a piece of pathetic trash out there in that leaky trailer." No spoon, no fork, no prospects. But, you know why? Cause I'm a grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant. Grasshopper. Ant! (Chris in the bar, before being thrown out) Something I've been wondering about lately. Mirrors. You know, you hold two of them facing each other and what's on them? I don't know. If you have any ideas, feel free to give me a call. (Ed in the morning, filling in for Chris) I don't know Holling. I don't feel like doing my art anymore. I don't feel like riding a hog, I don't feel like talking on the radio cause I got nothing to say. I had a rhythm going. I was Chris Steven, shooting star, I was blazing across the sky with Hendrix, James Dean, Rimbaud. Thought I had my ticket punched. The Stevens genes. At least my old man had the decency to get off the planet. Now who am I going to be? Some guy with a pillbox and a Chevy Lumina? What's next for me, Holling? An old folks' home? Rocking chair? Shawl? Respirator? (Chris to Holling) It doesn't have to be that way...when you talk longevity, you just have to pace yourself different is all, husband your resources. By opening a Keogh account? I know, it will take a little getting used to. There's plenty of adventure for you, boy. Take it from me. (Holling reassures Chris about long life) What am I supposed to do with that thing, I ask you. Am I supposed to put myself on display in my own living room? (Maurice to Dave, about the wax statue) We make a compact. You promise to brush. You promise to floss. But, you don't brush. You don't floss. (The dentist talks about people to Chris) Message of the day. Listen up, cause this one's important. Brush those teeth. Eat that roughage. Pop those vitamins. Wear sensible shoes. We homo sapiens carry around a heavy psychic knapsack. Consciousness. We all know we're going to be asked to get off the merry-go-round someday. Best we can do is keep the corpse beautiful, right? What is the "right stuff" anyway? Crossing a double yellow on your hog or looking a 30-year mortgage flat in the face? The long haul--I'm going to need some clean undies, got my toothbrush, got my library card. What'd the man say? A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Right? (Chris in the morning, coming to terms with long life)

5.04 Altered Egos Storylines ---------- Bernard brings his girlfriend Ann to town. She also dated Chris. Marilyn evaluates men by their medical records. Joel is worried that he is losing his New York identity. Quotes ------ The mist is on the meadow, the coffee is on to boil, the radio is set to AM 640, the voice of Arrowhead county coming at you. Chris in the morning al fresco. Witnessing the turn of another day's wheel. Luna has put out her lamp and Helios is gunning his chariot into town. As is my brother Bernard, coming down main street as I speak! Well it's a KBHR first ladies and gentlemen, the brothers Stevens reunited live, unrehearsed as it happens. (Chris welcomes Bernard) How did we meet? It was a feminist deconstruction conference at Northwestern. I was a philosophy major. Michel Foucault had just finished speaking when this crazy biker smashes his hog into the place, pops a wheelie, shouts a few lines from "Leaves of Grass," and passes out. (Chris and Ann) Oh God. Oh my God. I'm sitting here eating seeds and having a serious conversation about winter clothing. First my wallet and now this. What is happening? (Joel to Walt, on losing his "New-York"-ness) You notice anything different about me lately...any behavioral patterns, any discernible break with traditions, deviations from the norm, recent trends? You serious? Well, I don't know. Now that you mention it, it you do seem more relaxed lately. I just saw you laugh out loud the other night with Holling. Well, maybe. He happened to be telling a very funny story. You're more involved. Town meeting last month, you SAT there. I remember registering that. Of course, you left after 15 minutes. You're right, you're absolutely right. It's as bad as I thought. (Joel questions Maggie) As Herbert Audrey (Aubrey Herbert ??) writes, "To the human eye, all herring gulls look alike. The male herring gull, however, will allow none on his territory but his mate, and he will recognize her coming 50 yards away in a crowded colony of thousands." Point being nature lovers, that even a lowly sea bird can distinguish individual members of its own species. (Chris laments being the same as Bernard) I have never seen Bernard as a threat, Holling. Up until now this whole doppleganger thing has been kind of a gash, you know, two sides of the same coin, yin and yang, Calvin and Hobbes deal. Now it's like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe thing. We're rivals, two halves of a divided self. (Chris to Holling) Hey Holling, what if you found out that Shelly was waxing some other guy's T-bird? You'd be cool with that, right? Well... I mean, there would be some momentary pyrotechnics, but basically que sera sera. What if you found out she said you were both exactly the same? What if she said that between the sheets there was absolutely no distinction at all? I could see how that might be a problem. Sexually, Holling, we are all competing for the same seat on the bus and the thing that holds it together is the tightly held conceit that we are all sexual gods. How can I believe in my own uniqueness when there's a cat out there exactly the same as me? (Chris to Holling) (Que sera, sera: Whatever will be, will be) This is not homesickness. This is more than homesickness. I'm facing serious personality meltdown. Joel Fleischman, the Jewish doctor from New York. You take that away and who am I? What am I? Well, Fleischman, just forgetting a few subway stops... This is just the tip of the iceberg. Don't you understand? It's like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." I'm being replaced by some insidious replicant, a Joel Fleischman look-alike that talks about crop rotation and carbeurators. I've got to stop it before it's too late. (Joel to Maggie) Look, metaphysically we're GM cars. Call him an Oldsmobile, call me a Buick. We're both V6's under the hood. I'm sorry....Now what? Bernard and I have to find our own separateness again. Within the context of our sameness. (Chris, Ann, Bernard) I had to do it Shelly. I had to throw my brother out. What else could I do? I'm not going to live in the same town feeling like some existential Xerox of somebody else. (Chris to Shelly) OK, so let me get this straight. Instead of a VCR that works, you have a useless VCR, a pending lawsuit, and an enemy for life? Essentially, yeah. And you're happy? Yeah. (Maggie to Joel) It's been quite a week for yours truly and it's only Tuesday. Bernard and I have solved our metaphysical conundrum and it's left me dangling on the horns of an even bigger dilemma, the biggest in fact. Talking about the big L people, amore, Cupid's arrows, crazy thing called Love. I'm not talking about this agape kind of love or this spiritual, Platonic, brotherhood of man--I'm OK, you're OK kind of thing. I'm talking about Eros, serious grope time, the bonding of hearts and glands like Tristan and Isolde, Abilard and Eloise, Bernard and Ann. What throws the switch? How is it that my brother Bernard, my veritable other self, finds himself head over heels about someone to whom I'm totally indifferent yet, and this is a big yet, someone for whom I once carried a monster-sized torch? Was I different back then? Was she? Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now? KBHR lines are open. (Chris)

5.05 A River Doesn't Run Through It Storylines ---------- Maggie is homecoming queen. Ruth-Anne is audited. Quotes ------ Homecoming queen is supposed to be a babe. (Kevin to Maggie) How do you record the sale? I didn't sell it, I traded it. (The IRS auditor and Ruth-Anne) The wouldn't have happened if you hadn't pulled that little roller-coaster act over the mountains. (Joel to Maggie, on losing his tape recorder) At that age, they keep going and going, just like the battery bunny rabbit. (Shelly to Maggie, on sex with 17-year olds) Why is it people assume I'm available for every ludicrous stunt in town? Because I don't have a boyfriend? Because I'm not married? Because I don't have kids? What, what, what? They think just because I don't have a man in my life, I'm lonely? I guess. (Maggie to Shelly) I will not stand up and tell the world I was bamboozled by Nanook of the North. (Maurice to his lawyer, on being inebriated during a deal with Lester)

5.06 Birds of a Feather Storylines ---------- Joel's parents visit. Holling rebels against organized sports. Quotes ------ I expect to be charged by a moose at any moment. (Joel's Mom arrives in Alaska) You'll be bucking a heavy bonding ritual. Even my old many, when he wasn't wailing on me, we're out there and I'm shagging flies. (Chris to Holling, on not liking baseball) For people to judge a man's worth and his very manhood according to the way he feels about sport, and not to recognize it for the piddly, inconsequential goings on that it really is.... (Holling to Shelly, about sports) The Eagle wasn't always the Eagle. The Eagle, before he became the Eagle, was Yucatangee, the Talker. Yucatangee talked and talked. It talked so much it heard only itself. Not the river, not the wind, not even the Wolf. The Raven came and said "The Wolf is hungry. If you stop talking, you'll hear him. The wind too. And when you hear the wind, you'll fly." So he stopped talking. And became its nature, the Eagle. The Eagle soared, and its flight said all it needed to say. (Marilyn tells the Eagle store to Nadine) All of the sudden Nadine Fleischman is like John J. Audubon. This from a woman who thinks that pigeons are flying rats. (Joel to Marilyn) You think a man is a man cause he wears team colors and guzzles beer in front of the tube? Can't you see, boys, the sands of time are dribbling through the hourglass? (Holling speaks his mind at the bar) Jewish women from Queens don't fly. (Joel reacts to his mother's statement)

5.07 Rosebud Leonard tried to find western mythic culture. Fleischman's truck burns, he becomes a fireman. Ed tried to arrange a film festival. Music ----- 1. ?? (Joel jumps off the tower) Quotes ------ I'll admit I have some vague obligation to fulfill my position as a doctor in this town, but my scholarship didn't say anything about putting out fires. Believe me, it was the one thing that was not in the small print. (Joel to Maggie, why he won't become a fireman) Let me ask you, how does this character's story impact on your life? Are you aware of his influence in your daily activities? I have gone for years without even thinking about him. (Leonard and Holling, about Paul Bunyan) Ed, do you have any idea what time it is? Late? Yeah, it's late! (Maurice is awakened by an excited Ed) Ed and I have had a fax relationship for years. That kid's amazing isn't he? He's got more contacts in Hollywood than the president. (Peter Bogdonovich and Maurice) My favorite quote from your book is where Orson says, "To function happily, I like to feel a little like Columbus. In every new scene, I want to discover America, and I don't want to hear about those damn vikings!" (Ed to Peter Bogdonovich) Pardon me, Ed, but what do you know about stress? You're not doing anything! That's why I'm stressed. (Maurice prepares to fire Ed from the film festival) I say I'm sorry about your truck and all the sudden I'm accused of smirking smugly? I know you and everybody else in this town are secretly, no let me amend that, openly gloating, pleased as punch. What satisfying irony it must be. What poetic justice. This is a free country. I believe I can not join the fire department and still expect my fires to be put out! (Maggie and a paranoid Joel) You're not a team player. I am a private person. New Yorkers are like that. It comes from living in an overpopulated, crime-infested island. We like our space. (Maggie tells Joel why he wouldn't be a good fireman) Are you saying you wouldn't get into a burning building with me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? (Joel to Maggie) I've failed, Chris. I can't locate the white collective unconscious. I wouldn't feel too bad about that. You know, western culture hasn't really carried the baton on folklore and mythology. The rise of Christianity put the kibosh on it--the gospel hits the number one best-seller list and everything else gets remaindered. (Leonard to Chris) It's not just the clockmaker and the clock anymore. Everything's rolled off the assembly line. We feel rattled by the anonymity of our possessions. Hey, where'd that come from, who's this guy, who can I trust. I mean, mass production gave rise to capitalism, but it undermined the individual, which in turn killed God and we as a society have filled that vacuum with fear and paranoia. How does the rise of Capitalism explain the one about the young woman on the volkswagon? (Chris tries to interpret stories for Leonard) The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark. (Leonard to Ed)

5.08 Heal Thyself Storylines ---------- Ed heals a patient and fights low self esteem. Holling is kicked out of birthing class. Maggie buys a washing machine. Quotes ------ If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough to read books and learn allegorical stories. you need to get your feet wet, get some clinical experience under your belt. (Leonard takes Ed to work) Ed, why don't you have a look in Bonnie's eyes. Maybe something will strike you...this isn't a test, there's no right or wrong answer.... Well? Uh, they're nice. (Leonard encourages Ed) It makes me feel elegant. That's the self-affirmative power of a new toy, the life-support system of the whole capitalist animal. Huh? I mean, when you think about it, the whole material gratification angle is just the tip of the iceberg. These babies here embody the woof and warp of human development. A washer and dryer? Ever since the Pleistocene era, homo erectus has been flocking it down to the local creek to beat their first skivies against rocks. Right? Well, what's a laundromat except the same old creek with a cheap tin roof on it? Yeah, so? But this, this is progress. These two iron boxes--we've gone from communal suds to private spin cycle. We're on our total blitzkrieg towards isolation. You think? Listen to me. The day is coming, and it ain't going to be long, when you ain't even gonna have to leave your living room. No more schools, nor more bodegas, no more tabernacles, no more cinneplexes. You're going to snuggle up to your fiber optics baby and bliss out. (Maggie watches Chris install her washer/dryer) Blood is important. Yeah, it helps. Something that you want? Do you find that patients tend to fall in love with their doctors a lot? Well, there is a rumor that they tantalize you with in medical school that women find godlike, young men in white coats irresistible and blindly throw themselves at them, but I personally have never experienced it. Yes, but what about the doctor-patient relationship? Ed, there's no moral or ethical problem here. You're a civilian. Restrictions don't apply. The only reason Bonnie likes me is because I've healed her. It's the mystique of our profession. A word of advice? Please. So what! (Ed seeks advice from Dr. Fleischman) The day I was born my father went off fishing. He had no intention of being anywhere near the blessed event. (Holling to Dave, after being kicked out of birthing class) You want me to send this all the way back to the factory? That's what I said, isn't it? That could take four or five months. Well, I'll just have to make do, won't I? (Maggie to the serviceman. Her excuse for returning them.)

5.09 Cup of Joe Storylines ---------- Chris takes flying lessons. Ruth-Ann and Holling hunt for a Rufous-Sided Toehee. Ed reads a diary about Holling's and Ruth-Anne's grandfathers. Quotes ------ Flying is a hell of a lot more than taking a couple of spins around the field. (Maurice to Chris) Chris, I have seen men fly bombers with their faces half-blown away. You're going to allow a few algebra formulas to ground you? It might be a molehill to you but it's a matterhorn to me. It hurts my head. It fries my brain. Oh, come on Stevens! You don't understand. It's like I'm dying in there, alright? The walls are closing in on me, I'm filled with anxiety. Do you understand that? Can you understand that? I'm paralyzed like a little bunny rabbit out in the middle of the road. Here comes a semi. It's filled with judgment and humiliation and it's coming right at me and I ain't doing it chief. It aint worth it. (Maurice tries to prod Chris into the written exam) Who would you? Eat? Did you say, who would you eat? Yeah, if you had to. You mean, who would be good to eat? It's an interesting question really, medically speaking. Not big Al. Too fat and hairy. All those tattoos. He'd taste kind of inky. You'd be cutting him up and it would say stuff like "Mother" and "Jeanie." (Shelly, Ed, and Joel ponder cannibalism) Just don't scribble outside of the box. They hate that. (Shelly's advice to Chris on test-taking)

5.10 First Snow Storylines ---------- Joel tries to prevent Nedra Larkin from dying. Shelly lies to Maurice. People prepare for winter. (Gaining weight, digging graves) Music ----- 1. Earl Klugh: Spanish Night (Heartstrings) (At the end, people wish each other Bon Hiver) Quotes ------ What do you think? Have I got 8000 calories here? Oh sure. Easy. How much you trying to put on this winter? By mid-November I always like to have an extra 15 pounds on me. What do you have for desert? (Walt to Holling, on beefing up for winter) Excuse me for inquiring Dr. Fleischman, but you must have some patients who are very close to the end. You don't have to give me names, just the count. I can't believe that you would ask me that. I'm a physician, not a mortician. I find this conversation not only in poor taste, I find it offensive and morbid. (Holling and Joel, how many graves to dig) She's not dying! Forgive me, Joel, but that's the most pompous, condescending thing I ever heard. Who are you to say that? I'm only her doctor. Well it's her body and she knows a good deal more about it than you do. (Joel and Ruth-Anne, on Nedra Larkin) You know, Owen, I am responsible to see that we get enough holes in the ground come winter. No disrespect, but is there any chance you might be needing one? No, Dr. Fleischman said it was just indigestion. Too many of those chili dogs late at night. I see. But, thanks for thinking of me. (Holling to Owen) There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart. (Chris to Maurice) Let me tell you something, Marilyn. Death is the enemy. I spent 10 years of my life singlemindedly studying, practicing, fighting hand to hand in close quarters to defeat the enemy, to send him back bloodied and humble and I am not going to roll over and surrender. This woman is not ready for the grim reaper. (Joel to Marilyn, on Nedra Larkin) Good Lord, Joel, you're only a doctor. Do you reproach yourself when winter comes, when the grass dies, and the leaves fall from the trees. Nedra died because it was her time, and she died well. She died with all her wits about her, with her loved ones by her side. She said all her goodbyes. You and I should only be so fortunate, Joel. (Ruth-Anne to Joel) Oh the snow the beautiful snow filling the sky and earth below. Over the house tops and over the streets, over the heads of people you meet. Dancing flirting skimming along. Oh the snow the beautiful snow how the flakes gather and laugh as they go. Whirling about in their maddening fun it plays in its glee with everyone. Chasing laughing hurrying by it lights on the face and sparkles the eye. And even the dogs with a bark and a bound snap at the crystals that eddy around. The town is alive and its heart in a glow to welcome the coming of beautiful snow. Bon Hiver Cicely. (Chris in the morning reads a poem)

5.11 Baby Blues Storylines ---------- Maggie has a birthday shower for Shelly. Ed discusses his script with an agent. Shelly starts to psyche out about the baby. Music ----- 1. Vinx: Stir It Up (Chris muses on birth) 2. Pat Benetar: Hymn to Her (Closing credits, scenes of adult/young animals) Quotes ------ It's funny, to me, the way people refer to childbirth as a miraculous event. A miracle is something that defies nature. Only, childbirth has got to be the most natural thing in the world. Top three anyway. But, on the other hand, when you thing about it, there's really no other word that fits. Sperm. Egg. A coincidental meshing of genetic information that will grow something that could write an opera or cook up some Napalm. It blows my mind. (Chris to Maggie and Joel) Brooding. A woman sees another woman having a baby and then she starts to want to have one. Oh, really? Is that a medical term, or a sociological term, brooding? It's neither. It's a sexist one. (Joel, Maggie, Chris) You know, Fleischman, you're so smug, sitting there with your 10-second interpretations of the female psyche. What you know about women you wouldn't be able to see under an electron microscope. (Maggie to Joel) I'm not mad at you Fleischman. I know, in your artless, flat-footed sort of way you were trying to be kind. Thanks. I was. (Maggie's interpretation of Joel's remarks) Fleischman, women have more to offer this world than just a fallopian tube. Nothing is going to change until you quit looking at us as just sperm receptacles. (Maggie to Joel, after he tries again to "console" her) "Few women understand how great is the hunger in a man to be near femininity. As a man discovers his own femininity, he will not rely so heavily on the outer woman to live this out for him." The inspired words of Robert A Hohnson from "She, Understanding Female Psychology." You know, I thought I had a pretty good grip on my feminine side when I started using my hands to make art instead of misdemeanors, but ladies and gentlemen, I was deluded. It's become very clear to me that my inner woman has pretty much been in a coma--alive, breathing, ingesting, but unresponsive to stimuli. Now, if that particular part of my unconscious is, you know, unconscious, then I'm kind of asleep at the aesthetic wheel. It's not enough to say, "Hey, I'm a good egg." I have to take that metaphor one step further. I have to develop my proverbial ovum. (Chris) A home medical kit. It's got oral AND rectal thermometers. Oh! Boy. (Shelly reacts to Eve's baby shower present) I'm trying to get closer to my 'woman-ness'. The go out and cut your salary in half. (Chris and Eve) Thank god you can still walk into a store in Mexico and still buy firecrackers. Yeah, amphetamines too. (Maurice, Chris and the guys light some fireworks) Like Woody Allen says, "It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls." Is that guy's life a train wreck or what? (Ed says goodbye to his agent Jed) I'm cool with being a pregnant chick. I can watch "Wheel of Fortune" and grow a liver at the same time. I guess I've been so busy gestating, I haven't even dealt with the actual Mom thing. I'm totally not ready. (Shelly to the mother support group) One of the things that keeps you from dropping them in the nearest volcano is that you had to work too hard to get them. You had to cry, you had to scream, you had to sweat, you had to cuss out health care officials, and when that's all over with, you'll be willing to put up with a lot more from your kids. (Mother Nature to Shelly) They're slobbery and they're whiney and they look at you just like they could see right into your soul and they're unpredictable and the smell and they're noisy and the world revolves around them and why!? I don't get it. They're not interesting. they can't tell jokes, they don't have opinions, and they're boring, you know? They're just boring and annoying and I don't want to have one. (Maggie to Joel, on having a baby) Looked like he was set upon by a pack of wild dogs. (Walt tells Ed about Jed Bromel's death) I just looked at that and said, Shelly Tambo Vincour, you are in for the ride of your life. (Shelly to Joel, on seeing the baby move) A talented Mrs. Sartre once said, "One is not born, but rather, becomes a woman." I'm afraid I took that just a tad too literally. You see, I tried to assume that identity and cross that boundary and I was told in no uncertain terms to take a hike. Touche. Here's what I learned about procreation--there's nothing to be learned about it. You see the function of childbirth is not for us aesthetes to get our transcendental jollies or for mothers to have great tales to tell at baby showers. The function of childbirth is to land new life on the planet. Period. So I'm exiting this place, spotlight on the pooper, and on that not, Shelly Tambo Vincour is recovering quite nicely after her Hansel and Gretelesque episode out in the woods. Hats off to you, Shelly. You're more of a woman than I'll ever be. (Chris) (Chris quotes Simone de Beavoir)

5.12 Mr. Sandman Storylines ---------- Dreams are played in the wrong minds. Music ----- 1. Lindsey Buckingham: This Was Nearly Mine (Chris talks about dreams and reads Marquez) 2. JoAnne Shenandoah: I May Want a Man (Closing. People watch the aurora) Quotes ------ Well, not much you can do. Just kick back, have a hot coffee, and party to the songs of the universe. (Chris on the air, referring to the static on the radio) I haven't had any dreams since the aurora went haywire. That's impossible, Holling. Everyone dreams. The theater's dark. (Holling and Joel, counseling) Hey, what do you think drives all this grey matter up here? Electricity. It's brain waves surfing on synaptic junctions. If your radio can go out because of sun spots, why can't your cerebellum? It's all a matter of reception and it seems to me these signals are going to get crossed somehow. It's all logical. (Chris to the poker table guys) I know how you feel. First three months, I was driving the porcelain bus every morning. (Shelly to Holling, on food making you sick) You know, some of the natives up in North Dakota believe that the aurora borealis is the fire of warriors cooking up their enemies in big old pots. Among the Inuuit, they believe that he's some bad-ass spirit who's most likely going to sweep down and pluck out your eyes or cut off your head. Among some of the other Alaska natives, they say he ain't so tough. You whistle at the aurora, they say, and he's going to dance to your tune. (Chris on the air) Chris's picturesque metaphor aside, the subconscious is not a radio station. Brainwaves are not bouncing around the ionosphere looking for a receiver. Trust me, the noggin is a self-contained unit. Couldn't they leak out? (Joel to Holling, about Maggie having Holling's dreams) It's just human. We all have the jungle inside of us. We all have wants and needs and desires, strange as they may seem. If you stop to think about it, we're all pretty creative, cooking up all these fantasies. it's like a kind of poetry. (Ruth-Anne to Maurice, on fantasies and fetishes) You know what Oscar Wilde said? He said, "nothing human is alien to me." (Ruth-Anne to Maurice) There's a theory that you're all the characters in your dreams, they're just really yourself. I'm my mother, I'm my father, I'm chipped beef on toast? (Joel and Holling discuss dreams) "In that state of hallucinated lucidity, not only did they see the images of their own dreams, but some saw images dreamed by others." That's from Gabriel Garcia Marquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude. It seems there's precedence for this dream swapping. Is it really so out there? Maybe we just dream each other's dreams all the time. Isn't that netherworld of the unconscious truly collective? Aren't your fears, my fears? Aren't your wants, my wants? Don't we all drink from the same human cup? Here's what Karl Jung had to say about it. "All consciousness separates, but in dreams we put on that likeness of that more universal, truer more eternal man dwelling in the darkness of primordial night. There, he is still the hole and the hole is in him, indistinguishable from nature....Out of the all-uniting depths, a dream arises, be it ever so childish, grotesque and immoral." (Chris reads from "One Hundred Years of Solitude") ("The Meaning of Psychology for Modern Man" by Karl Jung) I feel like I can handle a lot of things. I can handle a parasitic infection and separating lesions, arterial sclerosis. But this stuff...I just want to go through life thinking people are happy, naive as that may sound. (Joel to Maggie, about treating Holling)

5.13 Mite Makes Right Storylines ---------- Maggie develops delusions of parasitosis. Chris sculpts April. Cal wants the violin which Maurice purchased. Music ----- 1. (??) (Chris sculpts April) 2. Bach: Fugue (Prelude and Fugue, BWV 1000) (Violin music by Cal in the asylum) Quotes ------ I don't know where I'm going with this thing. I can't find the IT! The what? The IT. The autonomy of fragment, the why, the touchstone. You know, like Ingres' Odalisque, that beautiful, drop-dead curving spine or Rodin's broken nose, Muench's screaming face. Look at this, this THING! Look at it! I thought, I'm going to hone in on the neck, it's perfect, it's an anchor. The neck, it's arbitrary. Why the neck? The neck has no meaning. The neck is a neck! (Chris sculpts April) Eight packages of peanut brittle. At an artistic impasse? How'd you know that? It's the only time you eat this stuff. I got it real bad this time Ruth-Ann. I'm staring into the abyss, ain't even blinking. I'm sure you'll find your inspiration, dear. But, tell me, why peanut brittle? I don't know. Maybe it's the yin and yang of sweet and salt, you know, the surprise of the peanut, the violence, the way it shreds up the soft palette. Just helps me focus. (Ruth-Ann sells peanut brittle to Chris) But then there's a moment like tonight, a profound and transcendent experience, the feeling as if a door has opened, and it's all because of that instrument, that incredible, magical instrument. (Cal to Maurice, on the violin) Dust mites. Don't they live in mattresses. Dust mites? Oh, god, they live everywhere. Clothes, drapes, lint in your belly button. Not any more. Kind of makes you think. What do you mean? About what? About your cabin, about the unseen civilizations, about the parallel universe. Don't you wonder what you wasted in there? Moms, Dads, universities, shopping malls. Oh Chris, they're just bugs. Yeah, but who knows what kind of socio-cultural structure they've cooked up in this microscopic melting pot. Universities? What do you think WE look like in the big picture? We're the third stone from the sun. There's 200 billion stars in this galaxy alone. How do you know we're not going to get snuffed out by some giant, cosmic dehumidifier--there's going to be some humongous hit-man sitting on a bar stool in the Crab Nebula cracking up over our demise. (Chris ponders Maggies dehumidifier) If you think about it, we're basically just part of one giant ecosystem. I mean, they're food and we're food. (Joel tells Maggie about the microscopic world) You wouldn't happen to have any dynamite, would you? Dynamite? Yes, I'm having a heck of a time removing an old tree stump and I thought dynamite might be the answer. I don't carry dynamite. It's against the law to sell it to the public. Oh, of course, it does make sense, doesn't it. Well, in that case I'll take a two-foot length of pipe and four boxes of shotgun shells. Twelve gauge or twenty? It doesn't matter. It doesn't? What am I saying? Yes, 12 gauge. And about five feet of ignition wire. (Cal in Ruth-Anne's store) There were always people like the pope. They serve a certain function, of course. They subsidize us. But, they don't create anything and they must never be allowed to stop the artist from creating. (Cal justifies himself to Ed) I wanted you to be the first to see it. I couldn't really have sculpted April if it hadn't been for you. Me? Yeah, you know, I looked at April and she was just so amorphous, she was just all this white noise. And my tractor beam really couldn't focus in on anything until I talked to you. You gave me the focus. You gave me the hub to build the piece around. (Unveils sculpture) A dust mite? I thought it was supposed to be April? I'm what you don't see. I'm implied. Yeah, she's like Brancusi's "Bird in Space." He didn't do the bird itself, he did the state of the bird, he did flight. I did the dust mite. I didn't do April, I did the state of April, which, when you think about it is really the state of us all. A dust mite is the state of us all? It's the perfect metaphor for the human condition. Life's dirty. Life's unclean you know. It's birth, it's sex, it's the intestinal tract. One big squishy, unsanitary mess. It never gets any cleaner either. You know, dust to dust, worms crawl in, worms crawl out, right? Even though we know that, we still walk the walk, we still live the life. We're like a bunch of little kids. Little kids, you know, we jump in this big old pond of mud and we're slapping it all over our face, rubbing our hair all down our backs and we're making these glorious, gooey, mud pies. That's us. (Chris, Maggie, April) My boy Jerry is failing Carpet Navigation. How the hell do you fail Carpet Navigation? You gotta take the good with the bad, you gotta drag yourself up out of the lint every day. Put two feet in front of the others and go forward. (The dust mite to Maggie in the bar) Life is everywhere. The earth is throbbing with it, it's like music. The plants, the creatures, the ones we see, the ones we don't see, it's like one, big, pulsating symphony. (Maggie to Joel)

5.14 A Bolt From the Blue Storylines ---------- Ed is struck by lightning. Joel tries to acculturate a forest lookout. Adam thwarts Maurice's fireworks show. Music ----- 1. Julee Cruise: This is Our Night (Chris visits Ed) 2. Gary Glitter: Rock and Roll part 2 (Adam puts on a fireworks show) Quotes ------ Attention KBHR shoppers, don't pass up the special President's Day sale now going on at Leo's Auto Parts. Man, what would old George think of this hoopla? Word got out he didn't have a chance to celebrate his birthday alone anymore, got to blow out the candles with Abe. Why is that? So we can get a long weekend and go to the shopping mall, buy things? George Washington had a vision for this country. Was it three days of uninterrupted shopping? (Chris on the air) Threats of imminent danger are just his way of saying Good Morning. (Joel to Maurice, on Adam's behavior) You presume to lecture me on the state of my familial happiness? There is no way to describe to you, Fleischman, the bliss that courses through my veins, the unbridled rapture I feel every time I think about my beautiful wife and son. It's a feeling you'll never experience in your emotionally impoverished life. (Adam to Joel, who comes looking for insanity) Joel, I have been a bartender for 20 years. I have a pretty high tolerance for drivel. When that man started in on fermentation processes in Medieval Europe, I was just grateful I had a grease fire in the kitchen to attend to. (Holling to Joel, on Major Burns) You want to know what it means? I'll tell you what it means. The universe is a hostile place Chigliak. You think Nature is some Disney movie? Nature is a killer. Nature is a bitch. It's feeding time out there 24 hours a day, every step that you take is a gamble with death. If it isn't getting hit with lightning today, it's an earthquake tomorrow or some deer tick carrying Lime disease. Either way, you're ending up on the wrong end of the food chain. That's rather upsetting (Adam to Ed, on being struck by lightning) Life is nasty, brutish and short. (Adam to Ed) Nature is a boogeyman. It's very 17th century, Calvinist, New England. (Chris to Ed, on being struck by lightning) There was a warrior who had a fine stallion. Everyone said how lucky he was to have such a horse. "Maybe," he said. One day the stallion ran off. The people said the warrior was unlucky. "Maybe," he said. The next day the stallion returned, leading a string of fine ponies. The people said it was very lucky. "Maybe," the warrior said. Later, the warrior's son was thrown from one of the ponies and broke his leg. The people said it was unlucky. "Maybe," the warrior said. The next week, the chief lead a war party against another tribe. Many young men were killed. But, because of his broken leg, the warrior's son was left behind, and so was spared. (Marilyn to Ed, on being struck by lightning) You people will have to clean this litter up. Have a lovely evening. (Semanski to crowd)

5.15 Hello, I Love You Storylines ---------- Ruth-Anne and Walt spend a cold night on the road. Shelly has her baby. Quotes ------ It looks like a fine winter's morning out there at the 63rd latitude. Jack frost is tagging up those window panes, hot java, english muffins, locked and loaded. The word on the street is that the Tambo-Vincour addition is due to pop out and see it's shadow manana. From the safety of the womb to the bright unknown. Hey little one, you got 843 expectant aunts and uncles out here all queued up for a little koochie koochie koo. (Chris on the air) Hey, Fleischman. Last month's New York times are in. Well, that should keep me off the streets. (Maggie delivers Joel's papers) My masculinity isn't hinged on whether or not I knit. (Joel to Maggie, on Marilyn's invitation to knitting class) Think about it. This is for chicks only! (Shelly to teenage Miranda, on menstruation) Shel, time is just something that we assign. You know, past, present, it's just all arbitrary. Most Native Americans, they don't think of time as linear; in time, out of time, I never have enough time, circular time, the Stevens wheel. All moments are happening all the time. Look at Einstein. Theory of relativity--you go far enough fast enough, it's just going to bend the whole situation, like you and I we could just zip out to Alpha Centauri at the speed of light (that's our nearest star neighbor, right). By the time we get back everybody's popping up daisies. (Chris to Shelly) We should really be cheering each other on and reveling in each other's successes. (Joel to Maggie) Here's to the baby. Health and happiness child. Bundles of love. Even if you turn out to be the kind of gal who gets a little too focused occasionally, one who is so busy melting her sugar that she lets the yams burn. (Ruth Anne to Walt, toasting Miranda with ice cream)

5.16 Northern Hospitality Storylines ---------- Chris purges his music collection. Shelly want to visit Canada with Miranda. Joel tries to host a party. Music ----- 1. Freddie Blassie: Pencil Neck Geek Quotes ------ What would you say is the secret to something like this? What's the secret? What is THAT? A joke? You want to try this at home? Why don't we get Frank Lloyd Wright in here next to talk about Falling Water. Maybe you want to add on a den. (Joel compliments Adam's meal) Being plied with fine food always puts me in mind of the slammer, cause the food was jumpin' in there too--high in fat but nice and salty. You know what the worst deprivation in there was? My music. Radio belonged to my cell mate, the Blonde Hammer. He was into that jazz-fusion thing at the time. I tell you what, enough Spyro Gyra and you're hoping you'll get killed in a knife fight. (Chris on the air) I had no idea that I was this remiss. It's no big deal Fleischman. We've just all come to accept it about you. I think there's a Yiddish word for it--"shower"? A schnorer? You're telling me that you think I'm a schnorer? O'Connel, do you have any idea what you just said? A schnorer is someone who comes to your house and opens the refrigerator and starts eating. I thought that was "fressing" (Joel to Maggie, when she tells him to host a party) Canned mushrooms? Yes, I happen to have been raised on that stuff. Well, that explains a lot. (Maggie help Joel prepare for the party) I guess there's no dancing around it. I guess everybody here knows. Young Edgar says I hitched his wagon to the reaper. Look, I played a song that was beautiful for me and for Edgar it hit a button marked "emotional meltdown." I don't know why that is. Two guys looked out through prison bars and one saw mud and one saw stars. That's just how it works I guess. Maybe that's no excuse. Maybe those of us who are luck enough to touch people through art or the airwaves have an obligation to think about all those eyes and ears out there. Anyway, innocently or not, I put the last straw on Edgar's back. (Chris presides at Edgar's funeral) ("Two men look out through the same bars: One sees the mud) (and one the stars." Frederick Langbridge, 1849-1923) I take as much pride in my cultural heritage as the next guy. What's the motto of Quebec? Um? It's "I remember." It is? Je m'en souviens. What does that mean? Remember what? You don't even remember the motto. (Holling and Shelly discuss Canada) You know what Winterfest is? I bet you're going to tell us, aren't you? Everybody brings their old Christmas trees, they pile them up, take them away and make mulch out of them. Wow. Well. What's Mardi Gras or Palio in Siena compared to that? (Shelly to Adam) You know, this citizenship business is jive if you ask me. The Indians didn't recognize any differences between borders. They didn't know Canada from Alaska from Mexico. That's not to say they didn't slaughter each other like everybody else. Still, it was some more recent genius that came up with drawing those lines and making those borders. (Walt to Holling, discussing citizenship) You haven't vacuumed, Fleischman? What's this, petrified corn chips? (Maggie helps Joel prepare) Washroom. Oh, it's so great to hear that again. In America it's bathroom this, bathroom that. Even a Port-A-John. What bathroom? There's no bathtub in there. (Shelly to Iris, on arriving in Canada) Little cloudy out there today. Don't let that get you down though. Every cloud has a silver lining. Right? Not that, you know, silver's important or anything like that. There's more to life than the buck. Right? Talking about seeing the glass half full or making lemons into lemonade. (Chris tries to be happy on the air) The wine passes muster, does it? Well, we tend to look to Australia for surfing pants, AC/DC videos and a SEATO partner. Cabernet Sauvignon we like to leave to civilization. (Joel to Adam at his dinner party) How're you doing there today. I feel fine. It's lucky for me you ran out of that Dingo effluent last night. My mental faculties are completely clear. (Joel checks Adam for food poisoning) What about unsupervised children? The radio is a constant presence in their lives and what's he playing? Schonberg and that other 12-tone stuff! (A woman voices her opinion about Chris's show) Hold it. Hold on just a minute. We have to be careful here. DeToqueville warned about the tyrrany of the masses dragging everything down to the lowest common denominator. We have to accept the fact that art and culture transcend the traditional rules of society. (Hayden's input at the meeting) The radio didn't kill Edgar. Edgar killed the radio. (Marilyn has the last word) You don't want to be absolved of poisoning your guests Fleischman. What you're feeling guilty about is a lot simpler than that. Oh really? You threw a lousy party Fleischman and you want to be forgiven. (Maggie to Joel) That's the secret of entertaining Fleischman. You make your guests feel welcome and at home. If you do that honestly, the rest takes care of itself. That's easy for you to say. You're like the Martha Stewart of the Yukon. You were born with a silver napkin ring in your mouth. (Maggie gives advice to Joel) This land is your land, this land is my land. From California, to Vancouver Island. From the redwood forests, to the Blue Jay stadium. This land was made for you and me. As I was walking, the Alaska highway, I saw the tracks of the Canadian National Railway. Saw the land behind me that invented hockey. This land was made for you and me. (Holling sings to Shelly) Why don't you think of the words of Tom Paine, who said, Man did not enter this society to be worse off than he was before, or to have fewer rights than he had before, but to have those rights better secured. When it comes to the right of the mind, he never surrenders it. The mind, that wonderful breeding ground of contradictory impulses like love and hate and rage and empathy. They've all been invited to the party, so you might as well make room for them. I want to play this next song for my friend Edgar Hankins, who's gone to a place where he's never going to have to be upset or agitated or offended ever again. Sensitive and PC souls, cover your ears. (Chris on the air)

5.17 Una Volta in L'Inverno Storylines ---------- Joel and Maggie are trapped at the airport hut. Ruth-Anne and Shelly study Italian. Caribou are a nuisance in town. Walt becomes addicted to his visor. Music ----- 1. Gene Krupa: King Porter Stomp (Holling visits Walt) 2. Giacomo Puccini: O Mio Babbino Caro (Gianni Schicchi) (We fly over the scenery of Italy) Quotes ------ Morning Cicely. 8:00 A.M. muchachos. Time to finish those flapjacks, knock back that second cup of joe, get ready to greet the day. Temperature's creeping towards double digits as the solar drought continues--23 days, an average of an hour and a half of sunlight every day. No relief on the horizon. Which only makes sense cause there is no horizon. Our friends at the weather service are calling for another storm and as we know, they've been batting a thousand lately. Hey, let's check our social calendar. Nothing. Total blank. It's cabin fever season people, that time of year when four walls feel like they're going to come in here and choke the spirit right out of you. Time to lock away those firearms and hang tough. No way through it except to do it. (Chris, on avoiding winter depression) He wrote the Divine Comedy, one of the great works of literature. It's that funny, huh? (Ruth-Anne to Shelly, on learning Italian) Chris here with the KBHR afternoon traffic advisory. Commuters, leave a little early today cause I see some caribou out there on main street. My guess is this year's heavy snowfall has altered the caribou's usual migratory patterns. Maybe they're just looking for a little change of scenery, something we can all relate to this time of year. In any case, they're here, so let's show a little respect for our antlered cousins, shall we? (Chris on the air) You call this "fine"? We're trapped in a cabin the size of a foot locker. I'd like to know how you characterize the Titanic, as an unexpected dip? (Joel to Maggie, realizing they are snowed in) One more to the breach, dear friends, once more, or close up the wall with our English dead. (Walt spontaneously quotes Shakespeare in the Brick) I'm seeing things in a whole new light. (Walt to Holling, on wearing the visor) IT is a beauteous evening, calm and free, Is sinking down in its tranquillity; (Chris in the morning, reading William Wordsworth) Are you awake? Are you kidding? I'm stuck next to someone with the rem cycle of a gerbil. (Maggie and Joel, sleeping with Ed) She doesn't even want to visit Italy because she likes Chinese food better. Can you imagine? (Ruth-Anne to Chris, on Shelly's facility with Italian)

5.18 Fish Story Storylines ---------- Ruth-Anne closes shop and rides Chris's Harley. Joel meets the Rabbi and is swallowed by a fish. Maggie wants to have a seder for Joel. Quotes ------ "Time is but the stream I go a fishing in." Henry David Thoreau. "Pass me a sandwich." Ed Chigliak. (Chris and Ed fish with Joel) That's not painting, that's Paint-By-Numbers. That's therapy for the artistically challenged. That's what they prescribe for cretins in dayrooms. (Maurice to Shelly, on Holling's painting) No matter how much I put into my paintings, I don't think they'd ever be what you would call "art." What's art, Holling? Is a Davinci art? Dada art? If you wrap up the whole Reichstag in toilet paper, is that art? Well, I can't give you a complete definition, but I think it would be something Maurice would be willing to give good money for. Yeah, well, you're starting to scare me cause if that's art, then I got to get a whole new gig. (Holling talks to Chris about art) You have a very basic problem, Holling. You're confusing product with process. Most people, when they criticize, whether they like it or hate it, they're talking about product. That's not art, that's the result of art. Art, to whatever degree we can get a handle on (I'm not sure that we really can) is a process. It begins in the heart and the mind with the eyes and hands. Now Picasso said, "The pure plastic act is only secondary. What really counts is the drama of the pure plastic act, that exact moment when the universe comes out of itself and meets its destruction." Uh, I'd still like people to like my paintings. Yeah, of course. The thing we have to do with you Holling is get your ego out of the product and put it back into the process. (Chris and Holling discuss art) What is it that you are doing here? Looking for guidance in His, or Her, name? In Eastman Lake? (Joel catches Rabbi Schulman) Let's take a constitutional minute here before we put a major tear in our social fabric, OK? (Chris tries to calm the people at the town meeting) You mean God? You think God is at the other end of the line? (Joel to Rabbi Schulman) When I left Portland for Cicely, I wanted the wide open spaces. Look at me now. What's left? Vladivostok? (Ruth-Anne and the bikers) We've all read Hunter Thompson. The biker movement was started by dissatisfied G.I.'s who weren't willing to buy into the phony prosperity of the late 40's. It was a reaction, a revolt. You remember Brando's line in The Wild One? "What are you rebelling against?" Brando says, "What do you got?" But what does it mean anymore? How can it mean anything in a society where lawyers are wearing earrings and fashion models have tattoos? (Ruth-Anne and the Diablos lament) Chris says it's all in the doing, but to tell you the truth, there's a lot to be said for the having. (Holling to Shelly, on painting and paintings)

5.19 The Gift of the Maggie Storylines ---------- Maurice has asbestos in his house. Chris does not kill a deer. Joel cures a rare disease. Maggie finds another doctor. Music ----- 1. Bach: Menuett (Maurice reads in his house) 2. Benny Goodman: On the Alamo (Chris, home from the hunt, on the air) 3. Carlos 4. Gypsy Kings: Carninando Por La Calle (Joel and Maggie dine with the other doctor) 5. Great Western Orchestra: The Cowboy Waltz (??) (Chris muses on the loss of his rifle) Quotes ------ Chris in the morning, home from the hunt. Should you expect venison stew all around? No, you should not. Had my deer, had him right there in the cross hairs, but I couldn't shoot. Why? Some kind of transmogrification into a kinder, gentler, less lethal Chris Stevens? No, because later I kicked up the hedge row and I plugged me six cute white bunny rabbits right between the eyes. Mr. Deer came and I aimed. I just couldn't take him out. But that's not the end of the story. I get back to the hacienda and there sitting on the front stoop is a beautiful bottle of buckhorn sour mash. Deer, Buckhorn, what's the connection? By not wasting that deer did I set into motion some kind of karmic quid pro quo? Whoever sent me this sour mash, give me a call. I want to thank you and I also want to know, "Why last night?" (Chris on the air) Stevens, what are you doing here? It's one o'clock in the morning. Need my portable Jung. That kook? At this time of night? I've got a theory that there's more to coincidence than just coincidence. (Maurice is awakened by Chris coming to the office) I'm just saying, you like to pitch, but now you've got to catch. You like to bark the orders around, make everybody jump. You're homeless and you're physically impaired, and Holling does a nice turn for you. You feel a little indebted, you feel a little naked, you feel a little vulnerable. (Chris deciphers Maurice's bad mood) Is that what you think? That I'm that pathetic? That I'm somebody's ugly cousin that can't get their own dates? (Joel to Maggie, after he learns she bribed the other doctor) The orchid, the aristocrat of the flower family. The most sophisticated plant on earth. Clearly a cut above. But, it's got petals like everybody else. The lowly daisy, the cheap carnation, half-baked azelia. Like these, the orchid needs warmth. It needs care and kindness to get by. These flowers need you people. No, I need you. (Maurice on the air, asking people to take his flowers) 198 bucks. That what uncle Roy Bauer paid for that Winchester. It'd cost me 350 to replace it. Not that I can, family heirloom such as it is. About 30 for the sour mash, 50 for the 50, 6 and some change for the apple and feed. Financially, Mr. Deer definitely got the better part of this deal. What's the moral of this story? Quit while you're ahead? Know when to fold 'em? Maybe it's like uncle Roy Bauer used to tell the old man before they'd pull a heist. He'd say, "Jack, the deer that returns to the lick too often eventually meets the hunter. Maybe Mr. Deer got what he wanted all along, my rifle. (Chris muses on the air)

5.20 A Wing and a Prayer Storylines ---------- Maggie builds a homekit plane. Ed spreads gossip about Ruth-Anne. Miranda is baptized. Quotes ------ Bathe my window, make it flow, Melt it as the ice will go; Melt the glass and leave the sticks Like a hermit's crucifix; Burst into my narrow stall; Swing the picture on the wall; Run the rattling pages o'er; Scatter poems on the floor; Turn the poet out of door. That was the good poet Frost. This is C Stevens on KBHR. Spring has sprung. We're free at last, people. Free at last. Thank you mother nature, we're free. Time to toss open that metaphysical window and check out that psychic landscape. See lots of possibilities budding out there. Time to hoe those rows, feed that seed. Pretty soon you get a garden. (Chris on the air) (Reading from the poem "To The Thawing Wind", Robert Frost) You're telling me there's an airplane in this truck? You're building a plane? Is that it? Is this not a profession? Boeing and Lockheed, McDonnell-Douglas? (Joel reacts to Maggies plane arriving) Chris Stevens, DDS, Universal Life Church. Rolling Stone Classifieds if I'm not mistaken? Yeah, I pick up all the spiritual slack around here--marriages, funerals, crisis counseling. You guys, nobody comes close to the Catholic Church. You know, Sistine Chapel, Holy See, the whole papacy. What an infrastructure! Your guys' mass, so beatific, offertory, penitentia, Gloria in Excelsis Deo! Thank you very much reverend. Listen, this baptism coming up. I'd give anything to be in that starting line up. (Chris introduces himself to the priest) You've got your phenomenon on one hand. Concrete and knowable. On the other hand you've got the incomprehensible. You call it God, but to me, God or no, it remains just that, the unknowable. (Holling to the priest) What's this? That's weird, I thought I had everything checked off. Oh well, what is it that they say, "A good mechanic always has a few parts left over." (Maggie to Joel, while assembling the plane) Do I get a real priest? No. I get this dud, some smoke-ring blowing, arm-wrestler with a rip in his pants. (Shelly to Holling) I want to stay alive, drink my Petris. I'm 62 years old, Joel. These reflexes and ticker don't belong up there in some homemade. I've flown fighter missions, I've orbited the earth, and now is the time to stay on Terra Firma, reap the rewards of my labors, not risk my neck in some ultralight. (Maurice to Joel, on why he quit Maggie)

5.21 I Feel the Earth Move Storylines ---------- Ron and Eric get married. Maggie is ill around Fleischman. Holling caters the wedding. Quotes ------ The whole thing flies in the face of the concept of marriage. What? Be fruitful and multiply? That gig? Yeah, for starters. Look, Maurice, I see it as evolution. The population explodes, there's something like 5.6 billion and counting. We don't need any more Kinder. The human race just kind of adjusts. You're telling me that same-sex marriage is an adjustment? In your twisted world view, Ron and Eric are pillars of society? Look, Maurice, guys like me and you, we're the outlaws. We're the renegades. We're standing there taking a leak on the picket fence, riding down life's highway, no helmet, no attachments. Save it for the airwaves, Stevens. (Maurice and Chris on the wedding) Ron, I've always been a little fuzzy on this. Is cocktail attire semi-formal or more dress casual? (Hayden reacts to the invitation) It's real good. Delicious, in fact. Especially if you like liver. I mean, if you like liver, you'd probably really like that liver. (Shelly's opinion of Holling's substitute recipe) Marriage. Why do we do it? Everybody knows the stats. One in two marriages end up in broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana. Is it loneliness? Partly. Is it teamwork? Definitely. Things just kind of go easier when there's two of you. One of you can wait in line at the movie theater while the other guy parks the car. Get better seats that way. Better room rate when it's a double. Are you ready to file jointly?...Above you is the sun and sky. Below you, the ground. Like the sun, your love should be constant, like the ground, solid. Are you both OK with that? In that case, I now pronounce you, married. (Chris officiates the wedding) (Tijuana: Mexican border town south of San Diego with cheap divorces) I'm sorry. Here you are being sweet and affectionate. Everything I've always wanted and it's making me sick. Fleischman, this won't work. We've got to go back to the way things were: hostile and bitter and petty. (Maggie to Joel, on why she is sick)

5.22 Gran Prix Storylines ---------- Cicely hosts a wheelchair race. Ed tries to heal an athlete. Ted works on Leonard's new house. Quotes ------ Chris here with a trackside update. Eight days and counting till Sunday's starting pistol and grueling contest--man and machine vs. Mr. Clock in what promises to be the Der Nurburgring of wheelchair racing. I've already seen some tour busses coming in, people wanting to see these superb athletes. We've got the winner of the Boston marathon here, the winner of the Atlanta Peachtree and we've got some losers here too people, but that's what makes a horse race. (Chris in the morning) If this elbow costs me a few hundredths of a second, I'm sitting there with bronze or silver around my neck and I'm not really into base metals. (Kim to Maggie and Ed, on the race) This is the observatory. That's how come there's no roof members. It's going to have all steel framing here cause the ceiling's going to slide away. I've got a couple hundred pounds of Zeiss glass going to sit right here. (Leonard shows his house construction to Maurice) Tennis elbow does not respond to mugwort. To be honest with you Ed, I don't know what the heck mugwort is...Let's cut to the chase. Ed, are you covered by malpractice insurance? (Race doctor to Ed) Ed, you're dealing with the demon of external validation. You can't beat external validation. You want to know why? Because it feels sooo good. (Ed's demon, talking about Kim's demon) External validation. That never hurts, huh? No, I mean that's the problem, Kim. What's the problem? You want to win. Yeah, so? See, that's all you're thinking about, is winning. You're confirming your sense of self-worth through outward reward instead of through inner appreciation. Ed, you sound like a daytime talk show. (Ed to Kim) Relief? You want me to cut my commission? Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I though we had a bond. You mean like a Native American discount? (Ted haggles with Leonard over prices) Chris in the morning. Ruth-Anne Miller still has Sunrise Marathon sweats and Ts, plus sun visors. They're priced to go. Also, for you athletes running the race tomorrow, she's having a special on WD40. Get this, odds makers are giving even money on relative newcomer Kim Greer's chances against the one-woman panzer batallion, Germany's Heidi Beck in the women's division. Let's avoid a pile up. This just in, spectator parking is now available at Maurice Minnifield's pear orchard. That's 12 bucks a day for cars, 20 for RVs and campers. That does not, repeat, does not include water for hookup. (Chris on the air) You guys! You want to know how much he's spending up there? I'll tell you. Half a mill on his wife's studio alone. But he wants me to cut him a discount. Of course he does, that's his function in life. Ha. Where's the joke? How do you think he amassed all that wealth? I guess I expected more. That's your mistake, isn't it? I expected taste or class or an elevated way of conducting himself. Like Louis the fifteenth or Joe Kennedy, Sr.? Well, no. Let me tell you something, me friend. A man named Fitzgerald said it pretty well. The rich ARE different. They have more money. (Ted and Maurice discuss Leonard's house) Chief Seattle said, "How can you sell the air?" Lester can't really own the land. Seattle said, "Our dead never forget the beautiful world that gave them being. They still love its winding rivers, its great mountains and sequestered vales, and they watch in tenderest affection over the lonely heart of the living, and often return to comfort and visit them." (Marilyn to Ted)

5.23 Blood Ties Storylines ---------- Maurice has a bet on the blood drive. Joel loses his touch. Maggie's old beau comes to town. Ed thinks he's found his mother. Music ----- 1. Bach: organ (??) (Opening) 2. (??): "When skies are cloudy and grey..." (Closing scene as Ed fishes with Renaldo) Quotes ------ Chris-in-the-Morning on KBHR seniors and senioritas. Blood drive day five, coming in the home stretch. Let's keep those blood bags dripping. Last count, 300 and climbing. Bleed on, Cicely. OK, I got a few blood week updates here. Ed Chigliak's dracula film fest keeps on keeping on. Tonight's big D is Christopher Lee in the 58 remake of the 30s classic. First 25 at the door, show your bandaid and get a free V8 and a "1 a day" courtesy of Ruth-Anne Miller. Thank you Ruth-Anne. Come on down folks. The next pint you need may be your own. That includes you, Stevens. Hey, blood week. Blood week time, what do you want to hear, some Sweeney Todd? No excuses this year Chris, even though you are squeamish around needles. Look, Maurice, it's not the needles, alright? So? It's not what they put in, it's what they take out. It's the blood, Maurice. You know, so alive in that bag like liquid guts. If you don't get a hold of both of 'em and get on over to that blood drive you're going to be more than light headed, you're going to be fired. This is one bet I'm not going to lose. What bet? A grand. I'm sick of Cantwell walking off with that plaque every year, Lloyd Hilligas' smirk. Cantwell may be bigger, but they're not better. If they pledged 500 units, we're going to come up with 501. We'll see who's smiling at this year's Sons of the Tundra lunch. Whatever makes America so great. (Chris and Maurice) I see you're out beating the bushes for warm bodies. You must be down to teenagers and shut-ins by now. Just like Hitler at the Magen bridge. (Lloyd Hilligas to Maurice) Hey, I'm just getting ready,...getting ready to go in there. What, you want to give blood? Yeah, Maurice talked me into it. So, you know, I thought I'd open that closet, see what's freaking me out. Well, I wouldn't recommend it. (Chris to Joel, who's lost his touch) I don't want somebody just like me. Don't you want to be surprised? Gimme a break. No, you know, it's like they come over for dinner and it's just some dumb Tuesday, which is fine, and you're sitting there talking and then all the sudden you start arguing over your aunt's ulcers or something like that and where they come from and it just makes you feel so alive. Ulcers? Did I say that? I did. I said that, didn't I? Oh my god. That's Fleischman...Oh! I want Fleischman! Oh, no! The guy's a contrarian, Maggie, I know these people. They have to think about everything, talk about everything. They just can't sit on a deck and have a drink. Tell me about it. (Maggie reacts to Jed's proposal) I feel for you, stuck up here. All those doctors in Manhattan squeezing the teat dry before National Health Care kicks in and you'll be working for Uncle Sam by the time you get back to civilization. Bad timing, huh? Well, I guess us physicians won't be such easy marks for you bond salesmen. (Jed to Joel) You want to give me thirty thousand dollars to buy me out of my contract? I like to think of it as my good deed for the year. (Joel reacts to Jed's offer) Lestat said,"Be still. I'm going to drain you to the very threshhold of death and I want you to be quiet. So quiet that you can almost hear the flow of blood through your veins, so quiet that you can hear that same flow of blood through mine." That concludes this mornings installment of "Interview With a Vampire." We'll be back sucking down the red stuff minana with Lestat same time, same station. Blood drive hiatus continues, giving us a little time to sit back and think. I am...blood. That primordial ooze. Not out there, listeners, in here. Inside this skin we wear, it only lets us think we're something else--nice clean brains, little talking computers running around in the pursuit of happiness. We pierce this skin and what do we see? Warm ooze, protoplasm churning and jesting, defecating, pulsating, life, death. (Chris on the air) Look, Maurice, I tried. I couldn't even get in the door. I started thinking about things and life and this stuff oozing out of me and mortality... Giving blood is not something you think about, it's something you do! Do you think men would risk their necks in combat if they gave it a moment's thought? Or go into space? (Chris to Maurice, on not giving blood) This is the finest feather in the cap of Cicely I've ever put in there. Our blood will help a lot of people, too. Yeah, that too. (Maurice to Marilyn, summing up the blood drive)

5.24 Lovers and Madmen Storylines ---------- Joel finds a frozen mammoth. Chris meets a former fantasy. Cal escapes while on furlough with Maurice Books ----- Unknown source Chris quotes from. Music ----- 1. Simon Bonney: Someone Loves You (Chris and Meredith lunch at the Brick) Quotes ------ It really makes you think, you know? You got to think what the earth was like when it was young and there were glaciers everywhere, volcanos spouting fire, and wild men with spears chasing after enormous beasts. You paint a pretty picture, Joel. (Joel and Holling measure the mammoth) Have you seen Cal? Yeah, I saw him jogging. Really getting a good workout too. He had his heavy coat on and everything...working up a real sweat. Ed, he wasn't jogging, the man was taking a powder! (Maurice to Ed, after Cal escapes) Flashbacks? I never had a flashback in my life. Look, there's one year I can't account for. Other than that... (Chris reacts to Joel's explanation) I know how it feels to be judged like a piece of meat. Back in my competitive days--Miss Northwest Passage--everybody loves you as long as your boobs are perky and your buns are buffed. But come the first trace of cellulite, they dump you like yesterday's halibut. Look, is it our fault? Can't we lay some of it on biology? The concept of sexual attraction is part of a tribal gene pool. It's hardwired into our brains at birth. All I know is, when my hooters go south, I'll still be Holling's little love muffin. Look at you Chris. You get all pumped to see the chick from high school and then just because she's not a size six anymore, she's a witch. A witch. That's Jungian, isn't it? Just because she's not Snow White, I turn her into the crone of the poison apple, the archetype of ugliness. (Shelly to Chris, on his treatment of Meredith) Walt, you butchered my mammoth! Did you have your eye on him? Frankly I've had my eye on him for years. (Joel and Walt) Do you know what you have done? This is like Louis Leakey taking an australiopithicus skull and turning it into a humador. (Joel to Walt) It is a little difficult to practice arpeggios when Larry over in 4G is constantly screaming about the transmitters the CIA have installed in his molars. (Cal to Maurice, on life at the mental center) First I thought it was numbness, shock. The inability to believe that a just God could allow someone to destroy a gold mine of prehistoric knowledge for a year's worth of Salisbury steak...Life is a mystery. One man's life-altering experience is another man's tenderloin. I'm one of you now. I'm a Cicelean. (Joel to Maggie) "Lovers and madmen have such seething brains, such shaping fantasies, that apprehend more than cool reason ever comprehends. The lunatic, the lover, and the poet are imagination all compact. One sees more devils than vast hell can hold, that is the madman. The lover, always frantic, sees Helen's beauty in the brow of Egypt." Talking perceptions, people. Do we really see each other for what we really are, or do we just see what we want to see, the image distorted by our own personal lenses? I lost someone today and the funny thing is, I don't even know who she was. (Chris, on losing Meredith) (Chris reads from "A Midsummer Night's Dream", Act V, Scene I) \" LocalWords: vikings \" LocalWords: smirking

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